Blogging again

Here I am again. Looks like nobody has missed me. On reflection, this is not surprising, but does not do much to my comfort and self-esteem. I am writing it tounge in cheek (or almost) and I must say that I got an email from a friend who noticed my lack of posts. Thank you, Hans, for your email which restored my better mood.

The reason for such a long break was the lack of a computer. I poured a glass of water over my wonderful Sony Vio and it died on me. I have been missing it for quite a while and I think it will remain in my memory as my favourite computer. Now I entered into a Lenovo time. First, I had to wait for it for quite a long time. It was longer than reasonable but the story is not that interesting to write about it. Now, I am getting used to it and discover one disappointment after another related to its looks, ease of use and functionality. It has been less than one week since we are together and even if I may get used to it and discover few nice things about it, it is not the love from the first sight.

Last Monday when I was ready to restart my blogging presence I was taken unexpectedly to the hospital. It was a bit dramatic as events including ambulance usually are and I was not given time to collect my essentials like my journal or basic cosmetics. The fact is that I was not up to using any of it the first night spent in the emergency ward.

Now few days down the track I got my computer and I definitely feel warmer towards it after not having it again for some days. My wonderful neighbours brought the essentials and spending the weekend in the hospital is not so bad after all. I even feel marginally better. No plans for getting home yet, maybe in two or three days?

In the meantime, I have wonderful books to read: The Hare with the Amber Eyes, We Are All Completely Beside Ourselves, The City of Falling Angels and my good and faithful thoughts of Stoics compiled and commented on by a young Polish philosopher Piotr Stankiewicz. I am having really a good, constructive time. The books inspire me to plan the future activities and re-discovery of the meaning of life. Maybe not that grand as the meaning of life but I look at my future in a more optimistic way and I am excited about my activities: writing, reading, reflecting and improving my living conditions. This is really about clearing my home from all unnecessary stuff. I know that I have been thinking, promising myself and writing how I will do that but so far, my results are not that impressive. When I get home, I will go through my files and threw out as much as I possibly can. This is a good job for physically weak person, I am going to be when I return. No more promises, for now, just the first step. It feels good even if the start may be modest, but it will be a start.

I will be back soon, this is just another quick start for which I do not set myself high goals. Just to re-start blogging and this is it.

P.S. I just had a visit of the cardiologist and it looks that I may be going home on Monday! Wow and hurrah! Not certain but possible and this makes me happy.

Adagio

 

I just saw Manchester by the Sea. It is a very good film and the film that moved me for several reasons, some of them rather personal. When a book or a film throws new light on my personal  life and helps me to understand myself and my past better, it has a special value for me. Manchester by the Sea is such a film for people who lived through a trauma. And who has not?

It starts with several scenes seemingly without a point and with rather simplistic dialog. This part lasts  irritatingly long and one wonders what it is all about. I must say that after seeing the whole film I realised that the structure of the film is genial and it needed the first, on reflection, not so boring part.

The film is about Lee who had been a loving uncle to his  nephew, sixteen years old Patrick, and suddenly, after death of his brother, becomes the guardian of the boy. He cannot deal with the new responsibility and we do not understand why. The scenes from the past show a different person, Lee was at that time. Playful, loving husband and the father of three children changed into a solitary man who does not smile, works in a menial job, is aloof to the point of appearing rude. Two different people.

 The film unfolds the story and leads to an extremely tragic event in the lives of Lee and his wife. The background music of  the scene showing the tragedy is Adagio by Albinoni. This music has been used as a background in many films and there was a time I considered it as expressing deep love and emotions related to it. At that time I did not notice profound sadness of the music. To me it was just showing elation that romantic love brings. I felt that it expressed my feelings of the time very well. It  is clear to me now how extreme happiness and extreme tragedy are close to one another. This sadness and tenderness of love are expressed in the Adagio so movingly.  When I and the man of my life chose Adagio as “our song” I did not associate it with sadness at all, such discoveries came later. With time, I noticed that it was used as background to many documentaries dealing with concentration camps. I did not like this associations, how could I? With time, however, I started to hear the other tones in my favourite Adagio. Tenderness and compassion that comes with tragedies are there as well. Sadness and acceptance of unavoidable. Dignity and inner quietness are there as well. Unbelievable piece of music.  I could say AMAZING if the word was not so frequently used in My Kitchen Rules.

I needed to break out from being totally in an Adagio mood and life recollections to return to reality, hence the comment on MKR which helped, but is obviously out of context . Sorry...

Now that my love story is over and trauma of its end is behind me, Adagio can be my music again. A bit sad, but still beautiful. Like life.

So this is what the film is all about. About trauma and the way of dealing with it or not being able to deal with it. Lee is not able to. But his wife does and she moves on. This role is played brilliantly by Michelle Williams. The scene when Lee and his wife meet coincidently after some years will become a movie classic, I believe. One of the most moving scenes of any film I have seen. True to life as well.

Michelle Williams had her share of trauma in her privet life. The relationship with Heath Ledger finished before his death, but even so the final closure was very difficult for the famous actress. Has it helped her to play the scene so extremely well?  I believe that life experiences make us wiser and better understanding human nature.

Great film, but perhaps not uplifting your mood. 10 out of 10 for me. 

Affleck brothers are people to watch and follow. They both already have great achievements to their names.

                         

Moonlight

It is very hot in Sydney and it makes my days lazy and no eventful. My little computer, after a water damage, is being repaired and I am left with the old one that does not function well. It is difficult to sign in and when I manage to do it, the internet connection is spurious. It takes a while to get to it and I manage to achieve  a doubtful success only by repeating the same process over and over. This is just like per the definition of insanity, so no wonder I  feel a bit strange. The cool change is coming though, so maybe things will look up soon. I will perhaps need to buy a new computer, but this is an achievable task. So with a hope for a positive change I gathered enough energy to start a new post. I have a bit of a backlog in my movie reviews, so I will start with the Moonlight, the film that made the biggest impression on me and is the second on my Oscar list after La La Land. I have not seen the Manchester by the Sea yet and this film may change my personal hierarchy. 

Three stages of Chiron's face and life

About the Moonlight then. This is for me a film based on impressions as I hardly understood the dialogue.  African-American slang, used by uneducated people from the circles of drug dealing and using,  is difficult to understand.  I did understand the story though and the moods the film took me through. Beautiful film, showing idealistic emotions and generous actions of people from the society margins. The film is about  Chiron and his life as a child, teenager and then a young man. Beautiful love story shown and experienced by the movie characters as tender and delicate. For me there was more tenderness and respect  in the relationship of the two boys and then men  than there is in most of so called “civilised” heterosexual relationships. No wam bam about it.

The film made me think about that so often we categorise people and situations without knowing much about  it. I am guilty of it quite often, I can see it now.  Dirty, potentially, drug addicts are people I want to isolate myself from. I am afraid of them, judge them as dropouts and move on to my secure, clean, civilised corner, often feeling superior.  The film shows us all another side of the coin. This coin, in fact, has more than two sides, so this may not be the best metaphor. What I want to say is that life is complex for all of us and there are many  facets to a person, good and bad. I know it sound like an obvious truism, but this film helped me  see another dimension of it. Drug dealers may have warmth in themselves  and a need to help others. They may hurt profoundly as well, in fact they do as a part of their dealings, but the film shows that they can do a lot of good on the side as well. This calls for respect.

The film shows a desperate yearning to love and be loved. Again an universal truth,   beautifully and piercingly shown. All together a very moving film which made me to reflect on some life issues and made my understanding of them deeper.

I warmly recommend the film. 

Academy Award Times – La La Land

It is a big movie time for me now. The nominations for Academy Awards are out, and it is very hot in Sydney, so air conditioned movie theatres are a good place to spend time in. I decided to see most of the nominated films and made a good start. I have already seen La La Land, Jackie and Lion. They are three very different films, stirring different emotions. The first made me feel light and happy, the second left me depressed, and the third made me cry. It looks that all three of them did a good emotional job on me. Does it mean that they are all very good films?  I am not so sure.

Surprisingly, I liked best La La Land. Surprisingly, because I am not that keen on musicals and at first I even decided to skip the film and then luckily changed my mind. I changed my mind out of curiosity but did not expect to like the film. My reluctance to see a musical was perhaps caused by some snobbishness and old belief that only serious films are worthwhile to admire. Feel good films have their place of course, but not on the list of Oscar nominations. Well, I changed my mind.

There are many things about La La Land that I think deserve recognition. The warmth and natural attractiveness of the main characters are amongst many others. Ryan Gosling has been on my list to pay attention to since The Ides of March. Now I can see how versatile he is and I will try not miss any of his films in the future. Very sexy too.

I was totally absorbed by the film and the story. The time of the projection passed very fast for me. Everything is pleasant about the film. The soundtrack, choreography, costumes and the story itself. It has not often been enough for me to watch a pleasant film and consider it really good on the strength of its pleasantness. There is a message or two there, but they are not that strong to carry the film to the verdict of being exceptional. 

I was not impressed by the first scene when the cars are stopped by the traffic jam on the highway to Los Angeles – La La  Land of the young and hopefuls. Suddenly the travellers jump out of their cars and burst into song and dance. This was a bit sudden and artificial to me. Not that musicals or musical films are particularly realistic, but too much is too much.

Here I will quickly contradict myself. La La Land is at times compared to The Umbrellas of Cherbourg, the film I saw ages ago and loved it for its tenderness, romantic story, music, some sweet sadness and the beauty of each scene. I see strong similarities between the two films and I perhaps should not complain at the convention which was never intended to be realistic. Maybe the film’s fairy tale qualities are just the reason why it appealed to me and so many others so strongly?

Here is a sample of the French version of a musical film - The Umbrellas of Cherbourg

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eqzQn15mFao

Since I have been pondering on relationships and their nature which according to my life observations are usually transient, this film gave me another opportunity to reflect and see the power and value of relationships which may pass but still propel us to another, higher plane of character development.

So, I warmly recommend the film and give it 9 out of 10.

My impressions and observations after watching Lion and Jackie will most likely come a bit later.

The Portrait of a Lady and Donald Trump

The Portrait of a Lady – Henry James

This is the book I just finished today and am still digesting my impressions and tidying up my thoughts. The book made a very strong impression on me. I was transfixed by it. I did not have any problems with concentration turning page after page for many hours not noticing the passing time.

I must say that there were parts at the beginning of the book that irritated me. I found the dialogues of two young American ladies annoying. The girls, Isabel Archer and Henrietta Stackpole, are so confident that they have answers to most life issues while in fact having too little experience and knowledge as they are so young. At the same time ignorance makes the young err with confidence.

It was interesting that people with much more knowledge and experience were in awe of this ignorance expressed so confidently by the two charming dilatants. On reflection, the girls were beautiful and fresh. I can see that their energy was appealing to the old English aristocracy, so the attention and admiration of the men was directed to their external beauty and unusual boldness in expressing their views rather than their beautiful souls.

This was just the beginning of the book, and as I liked the descriptions of the beautiful old English houses and the gracious living of the old gentry I continued reading, and with passing pages, I got enchanted by the story, then intrigued and finally fascinated. I started to see that the book is still very current being concerned with the timeless subjects still important in the XXI century even if the book was written in 1880.

The story of Isabel Archer, who is loved by three good men and then falls for one who marries her for her money and through his cruelty breaks her spirit, happens all the time in current times as well. Has it happened to me? Maybe not, but I know that one can not recognise a real value of a person and chase glitter instead. Isabel’s choice was based on admiration of intelligence of her man and his seeming lack of interest in opinions of the society. She saw him strong and independent. It is again the story of projecting one’s own values on others and resulting disappointments. Isabel rejecting her two suitors to protect her independence lands up under control of a devious and unscrupulous man. Here my feministic streak woke up again. The times of Henry James were the times when the order of societies put men on top of a social pyramid. Isabel accepted that as a fact of life and was obedient once she married Osmond. Her life shows the transition from buoyant independence and self-reliance through puzzling realisation of sad life truth to final sad acceptance of fate and resignation.

The story is mainly told through dialogues and the thought process of the book characters. It is not exactly a stream of consciousness type of book, but it inspired other writers to write in such a manner. Virginia Woolf, one of my literary fascinations, was one of the disciples of Henry James.

I said that my feministic streak awakened while reading The Portrait of a Lady. We live in the times when equality of women is severely threatened by the new political winds.  Conservatives of many countries come to power and demand that the social order with men of top is returned. Mr Trump is one powerful example of that. Yesterday was his inauguration in Washington, and it was also the time to conduct women marches organised against through the world. There was also such a rally in Sydney, and I decided that it is time for me to get involved. I went to The Sydney Hyde Park to see what was going on. There were crowds of women of all ages; groups of friends and the single ladies. I walked around and listened to the speeches. Those I found uninspiring and missing the point. The old story of Australia belonging to the Aborigines, while important to some, diverted the attention from current women issues and new threats coming from America and its new president. I also heard the emotional speech of a Muslim woman who called herself an Australian. Yes, I agree, she is an Australian as well as I am. Was it important to talk about it on the day? Not so sure. I have to make a disclaimer here - I have not listened to all the speeches so my views may not reflect the whole situation.

I did not take part in the march and elected to go and see The Nudes exhibition in The New South Wales Gallery. Lunch was good and the exhibition disappointing. One Modigliani and The Kiss of Rodin made it worthwhile for me. 

Such is Life

I just finished my February book club reading – Ann Patchett’s – Commonwealth. It is again a book I would not have read if it was not for the fact that I have joined the local library club and followed the recommendation to read it. If I wanted to be critical of the book I would sum it up – This is a book telling us that divorcing is a bad thing, has the destroying impact on families, but let’s face it – such is life! Of course, the book has its enthusiasts who think it is wonderful and beautifully and cleverly written. While I warmed up to the book towards the end of it and I agree that it is cleverly written, I definitely do not think that it is beautifully written. The language, in my opinion, is basic. Maybe it is OK, maybe it needs to be that way telling this particular story, but for me, there is nothing beautiful about the book’s language. Sometimes I think that I am a literary snob, expecting fireworks of admiration for authors of books I read. Perfectionism has always been for me the area needing some inner work. The books I particularly enjoy are the books I can identify with and in which I can find some explanations of my own life dilemmas. This particular book did not strike such a cord with me. The issues that drive the action of Commonwealth do not apply to my own life, so the book could not have the effect on me that other books have. Maybe I can associate with the issue of selfishness. The story highlights the self-centered approach of a couple of parents who want to live their bliss when the earlier marriages lost their lustre. The easy way to solve some of the marriage problems is to marry somebody else and then somebody else again. This I can identify with, and my life experience shows similar approach. If I were deciding now who to marry, I would go about it in a different way than I did in the past. If I really wanted to live with one person till death do us part, that is. I had my share of selfishness both as a giver and the receiver. Hmm… Such is life.

I can also identify with the loneliness of children portrayed in the book. Their parents were too busy with own personal comforts and preoccupation with each other to pay attention to the children who left alone got into activities negatively influencing their future lives. In my case, the parents were not that egoistic, but they were also too busy working. They did not have time to pay attention to me. So, I read, studied harder than necessary and in desperation to get my mother attention I often got sick. This worked well, and I grew up believing that I was a weakling. I was not.

Now, that I took the time to think and write about my impressions of the book, I am able to find more points that can associate with. One of them is the beauty of my mother and its impact on my life. Commonwealth is also about a beautiful and somehow selfish woman who is not a major character in the book. She is self-indulgent and egoistic. Her self-centered ways profoundly and negatively influence lives of ten people. As I just found out the author’s mother is a very beautiful woman. So beautiful that her daughter gave up on considering herself pretty and decided to focus on being clever, successful and a good person. This worked very well for her. Come to think about it, I was in the similar situation and focused on being clever, successful and a good person. Maybe it worked for me as well even if I am not internationally famous. Would my life have been better if I knew I was very attractive and used it to organise my life around it? Not sure, but it would have been a different life. Would I have been a better person? Probably not. It is interesting that even if Ann Patchett in the interview talks about her mother as being the loving person, one gets an opposite impression reading the book (which is supposed to be heavily autobiographical). The last pages portraying the mother as a warm and loving person do not seem convincing to me, they look like an attempt to change the readers’ impression caused by the full story. I can perhaps understand the duality of feelings of a daughter who sees her mother as a female competitor and at the same time wants to preserve in her memory the image of a loving and giving mother.

Ann Pritchard in the interview said about a book she considers a good one, but she did not enjoy reading it. She summed it up: It was not my thing.

My final comment on the book is – I have read it, and it is fine, but it is not my thing

What I will read in 2017

I have been reading lately more books than in the few previous years. I always read quite a lot if we use current average world readership statistics. There were different books I was interested in until now. I seem to have come back to the type of books I was reading when I was a young woman.  I came back to reading novels. There was a time in my life I went through a kind of sabbatical, I was nineteen then. It was the time to learn about life and what choices I should make for my future. One of the main choices I had to make was the direction of my studies. I was good at mathematics, and I loved books. I believed that books had all the answers to my existential questions. I still do and they do. So I read to find the answers. For some years I read the new age type of books, philosophy, spirituality and psychology. They were the books to study rather than read.  I studied them, it took time and sometimes I felt bored. I rediscovered that good novels have many answers and they are served with more elegance and lightness than the books there are akin to manuals, my choice of many years.

 When I was nineteen, I must have read books about obedience to parents as my choice of professional direction turned out to be mathematics. I elected to live the dream of my father and forget my literary inclinations. No regrets, except for the very difficult five years when I studied pure mathematics. It was not the domain of my talents, but I got my fancy diploma of the Master of Mathematics that made me think that from now on nothing is going to be difficult to comprehend. I was not really right as human nature still puzzles and intrigues me. It is fun to explore it, though, and I love this process.  Now, I am again on a sort of sabbatical and have plenty of time to read and learn. I started to really like this part of my life.

 As I always been a planner I am planning what books I want to read this year. My book club has a list of books we will read and discuss and they may not all be the books of my choice so I am adding the ones I would like to read. It may be a bit presumptuous to assume that the readers of my blog may be interested in my book choices, but I can think of at least one who is an avid reader and in the past gave me good reading suggestions. Even if I may not have followed the advice it was only for the overload of my reading time. My reading appetites are always bigger than my ability to read all I would like to. This is a long introduction to my call for reading suggestions from those of you who are reading this post.

 I am reading now Henry James - The Portrait of the Lady. I had the book on my bookshelf for many years. It is a Polish translation, and so far I am disappointed and even wonder if I am going to finish it. The American ladies are so irritating; I have a problem to even think of them as ladies. And here I consider myself to be a feminist while confident young women irritate me and even seem to me obnoxious. Maybe this is a function of Polish translation? I am only 200 pages down the track so my impressions might change.

The first book of my book club Ann Prichard’s – Commonwealth seems to be an easy read, I wonder how I will feel about it. I will not read all the book club book as I am planning 3-4 months sojourn in Europe. This will be the time to read books in Polish, and I have already a little pile of books waiting for me there. I do not remember the titles exactly, but one of the books is about a woman who was associated with Bruno Schutz, there is also Knausgard book number five waiting for me there. I a looking forward to coming back to reading the book about writing 3600 pages book. I hear the book number five is the best of the set. I will read at least one book by Jacek Dehnel, one of my absolute favourite young Polish writers.

Before I go to Poland, I intend to finally finish Adam Phillips – Missing Out. Thank you Ramana for the suggestion. I already ordered Peter Nadas – The Book of Memories. Another writer considered being a Marcel Proust. Hungarian Marcel Proust, hmm…. Then Hanya Yanagihara – The People in the Trees;  Siri Hustvedt – The Blazing World;  Julian Barnes – The Noise of Time and Polish Jerzy Pilch – Portrait of a Young Venetian (in Polish of course). There is also this book about Lynton Strachey on my night table. Maybe Siri Hustvedt book that has references to the Bloomsbury will re-ignite my interest which in this past was my main literary interest.

Wow, I have rather specific plans, and I am looking forward to exploring new choices.

What do you have in your reading plans? It would be fascinating to hear about it.