A sincere bitch?

This is another self-indulgent and self-analytical post. Is there going to be anything in this little feuilleton of general interest? I hope so, but can not guarantee it. I will attempt to make it a bit humorous in spite the mood I am in at the moment.

Will this space turn into a kitchen?

I am emerging from a kitchen depression. I was going to have a new dream kitchen but very quickly the process turned into a nightmare. I am just coming to terms with the situation which in fact has improved considerably. It is work in progress and this means my home is disorganized, still dirty even if I clean things every day. Many little and not so little steps are ahead of me and the kitchen. This is the third kitchen I have been installing in the last ten years. One would think that I have the needed experience and should have known what to expect. At least I thought so. I was wrong. This one is going to be the most expensive of the three and the lowest quality of them. Is this the difference between Australia and Europe? Or was it my mistake in making the choice of the company? One of the kitchens was installed in Sydney but it was Ikea, European design and furniture.  Hmm…

Work in progress, future kitchen still in the boxes

Last weekend I left the battle ground of my disappointing kitchen to spend time in a great company of my former work colleagues and now friends to see the Sydney Biennale at Cockatoo Island. Traditionally, I left my camera at home so I do not have any pictures from the event. Need to change this habit of forgetting things.

The three of us had a great friendly time and during the lunch we started to reminisce the old times. Or rather my two friends talked about the times when we all worked for a big bank on critical projects. I mainly listened. Our responsibility was then heavy, mine perhaps most heavy of us three. One of the friends was always saying that her work objective was not to hit the Australian news. She was responsible for production support of critical banking systems. It may seem over-dramatic, but I do not think now that it actually was. Old legacy systems responsible for all accounts of the bank could go belly up one of the nights and the banks could not open the next day.  This would be sensational news in Australia and very bad news for us. I was responsible for it all. Big responsibility and big stress with which we lived every day. During our friendly lunch when the old stories were being recalled the old me was emerging and I suddenly saw myself in a new light. It was not a pretty picture. Command and control manager (me, oh, oh) not tolerating excuses, sloppy work or public service type of approach to work. On top of that I was a successor of person who was nice, friendly and had understanding of imperfect human nature. During the lunch I found out that people who wanted to talk to me always checked “the weather”. Meaning my mood. Talking to me must have been unpleasant and difficult. When I try to look at myself from the perspective of my team, the picture is not that pretty. Demanding, often stressed, busy. One could say – a bitch. To cheer myself up I recalled that at the same time some people considered me sincere. A sincere bitch, then. 

 

 Does not sound any better, hmm… Seeing myself in this new light, I had very mixed feelings. I liked part of the old, younger me, even admired some parts, I had courage, skills and perseverance, but I felt sorry for the person who put her personal life on hold and then lost the most important relationship of her life, regretted the health consequences of prolonged stress, felt sorry that for a long time there was no time for friendships or fun other than work. Then, work was my fun. This may seem questionable, but then such was my way to live. The way I have changed now and if I had a possibility to turn the time back, I would live my life differently. Would that be much better? How could I know?