The Chinese Curse

May you live in interesting times. Even the Chinese origin of the statement is apocryphal, and I am going to make adjustments to serve my purpose. I want to modify it a bit to say - May you live an interesting life and examine its merits.

This blog makes me look back and reminisce, observe my past and myself in it. This is sometimes like self-psychoanalysis. My life has been interesting and seems to continue along the same line. I mean, continues to be interesting. I have lived in four countries. I was married to three wonderful men. One at a time, I would like to clarify. I have lived in three exciting, big cities: Warsaw, Paris and Sydney and some not so big and not so exciting: Włocławek and Düsseldorf. I had the interesting and successful career, changing my profession three times. I have had many great friends and have met many interesting people. I traveled quite a bit; I walked on fire, I have learnt many useful and not so useful skills...  

I feel that there have been many, many changes in my life, many very good ones and some character building. I was born in a small village in Poland somewhere close to the Russian border in the part of Poland that is still considered to be in the Poland B category. This means behind normal Polish standards. The happiest times of my childhood I spent with my grandparents in a village where electricity came long after the rest of Poland was considering it a normal convenience. Then it was time to go to school, and they were times spent in the industrial town, I consider small. Ray from Mummulgum thought that 75,000 citizens constitute a metropolis. People have different ideas about things.

When the time came to go to Uni in Warsaw, I felt really small and insignificant, lacking looks and manners of a big town girl. I was tutored in the big city skills by my husband to be. He was a man about the town; smoking, riding a scooter, knowing how to behave in fashionable places and generally very impressive, perhaps not only to me, a girl from a small town. I caught up with all of that jazz in a short time.

The next major step was to learn how to live in a western country with my second husband, extremely elegant in his looks and behavior. Another need and opportunity to smarten up. I rose to the occasion again.

All of that may look like bragging, but it may be just the opposite. Recently, in discussion with a friend, I was asked about happy moments in my life. The memories of times spent at the home of my best friend came immediately to mind. I have many such wonderful memories, and I hope I will be adding to them with time passing. We were nineteen years old when we met and when I was first invited to her home. From the first moment, when I entered the house where she lived, I was enchanted. It was a quintessential family home, and her parents seemed to me, quintessential parents. Warm, kind, caring for their daughter and her friends. The place smelled of good, homemade meal we were soon going to have. I felt accepted and invited to this sanctuary from the first hello and the first warm smile of the parents. This has never changed even after the parents passed away. The mother left us quite recently. She lived 105 years and to her last day she was up and about making sure that there is no drop in the family standards. My friend took over the home and cooking, but I always recognised the school of the old lady. The cooking and the place itself have been modernized with time but with respect to the roots and the family traditions. To me, it always meant love, safety, authenticity, generosity, stability, and happiness. To this day when I cross the gate, I enter this very special atmosphere, and I know it will warm me up and restore my spirits.

My friend has lived in the same place since her early childhood, has been a math’s teacher all her working years, married to only one great man also a teacher. She retained the important friendships from way back while I lost many of mine through moving. She is a mother of a wonderful young man, happily married and a proud grandmother of a beautiful and clever girl. In my mind, she has all that I would love to have. However, I made different choices. I wanted to have an interesting life, and I have had what I wanted.  No regrets, but have I lived in agreement with my core values?

Fire walking the second time

Yes, yes, once was not enough, I had to do it again. In my previous post, I wrote about my first encounter of Tony Robbins and my very negative first impression of the jumping guru. I developed disrespect from the first sight. Later I was forced to pay attention to his ways as my intention to do the fire walk was firm. I came to a conclusion that I need to follow what he says otherwise I either escape the challenge or burn myself. Consequently, I started to jump when was told to jump, I did the airplane pose when I was ordered to do so, I became reluctantly diligent. However, after the fire walk, my approach to Tony Robbins changed dramatically. I showed up early on the next day and was prepared to listen carefully. This time Tony was a little subdued, still exuberant and enthusiastic. This time, I had a different attitude, though. I stopped disapproving and started to pay attention. The messages were simple. This was not an exercise for intellectuals, and there were over 1000 people there. The message had to reach all of us.  For me, it was the first encounter with NLP – Neuro Linguistic Programming. It was not called that way during the seminar, but it was clearly a crash course - NLP for dummies. The NLP methods are very powerful and often have the bad reputation as they are often used to manipulate people. Some salespeople love it. I do not like its manipulation powers, but NLP used without any hidden meanings is fantastic. I got hooked and with time did many courses to become an NLP master practitioner. 

The question asked by LECH and kvd related to my previous post was: could one get hurt as a result of such a  walk? I was asking myself the same question. My experience was that I felt as if I was walking on something rather cool. Was it a hoax? Part of NLP is hypnosis, and Tony can put big groups of people under hypnosis, I believe. Could one walk on fire without a psychological buildup? In India fire walking is done with much less hype than in Australia, I believe, maybe different methods are used to put people in a kind of a trance? I think that one needs to be prepared for the walk one way or another. What is important for me in the whole exercise is that I was able to win over my fear. It had great motivational value to me.

After the fire walk weekend, I started to read Tony’s book – Awaken the Power Within. I studied it; I did all the exercises from the book. As the result, I got the Australian driving license after many years of delaying it, lost some weight and applied for a job that I thought was beyond me. My application surprised the high management, but I got the job! As Tony advised – if you want something – ask for it! They can only say no, but there is also the second option. So simple and it works, I wonder why it is so easy to forget such good lessons. Another advice that stayed in my mind – if you want to achieve anything important – take massive action! Writing this post is proving very useful for me, I am reminding myself things that may make a difference in my life today. I took massive action recently at bridge, and this is bringing positive results already. Hmm…

As I had those doubts about the real temperature of burning coals, when the next opportunity arose to do the walk again, I took it. This time, Tony Robbins sponsored three young men from Youth Off the Streets under the care of Father Riley. My husband and I were supposed to support the three boys, so we walked on fire again. It was not such a profound experience as the first time, for several reasons, but I was able to observe more of what was happening around me. I saw people walking away from the fire paths without doing the walk. Looking at their faces was powerfully telling the story of how damaging it can be to drop your dreams and positive intentions.

In the bathroom where people were washing their feet after the walk, I started to chat with a girl who also walked the second time. One can get addicted to this challenge. She said – I did not burn myself, this time, the first time I had blisters for some days. For me, it was a confirmation that the coals are really hot and this made the walk legitimate. I exclaimed happily – really?? You burnt yourself ??? this is fantastic! She knew what I meant and said smiling – thank you very much, this is really nice of you to be happy about my misfortune!

My fire walk

It was quite some time ago; I was approaching my 50ties birthday, and it seemed to be a scary time. I was close to a very serious and advanced age. It is strange how with passing time I sometimes get younger rather than older. Not chronologically, of course, but in my mind. The first time it happened to me was when I was 24 years old. I have been married for two years and reality did not match my naïve expectations of happiness ever after. I was restless and discontented with my life, but I was already 24! It seemed to me that is was too late to change my life, too late for true happiness, too late for anything really.  I decided that I had to stay in the unsatisfactory situation to the end of my miserable life. I am exaggerating a bit; I was naïve but not that silly as all that. I remember one beautiful summer morning when I felt so unhappy in spite of warm and yet fresh air and sweet ripe apricots I could pick directly from the tree growing next to the terrace linking to my bedroom. I was visiting my in-laws outside Warsaw, and this was a great place. Silly me, I did not recognize the paradise around me, I was just thinking about the drudgery of life ahead of me. It was going to be a life of duty to follow once given promise. Divorce did not seem to enter my mind. I have to commend myself for that. I was going to honour the vows in spite of making a mistake in marrying too early, almost against my parents' judgment and with no life experience. This is another reflection and a rather serious one. As this post is not a serious type of a post, I leave it for later, maybe...

     

What I want to say is that at the time I was twenty-four and thought I was already too old for changes. We struggled for the next two years, and I somehow started to feel young enough to put mistakes behind me and start again. This time, I decided that from now on no marriage for me. Possibly living in sin, if I happen to come across true love, but no marriage! I believed it spoils romance and makes any relationship drudgery. It is quite fun to recollect such moments and difficult to think that it was actually me. So I got younger after two years and reorganized my life to become an independent woman. I remained independent, but not for a long time unmarried.

I did not think about my age until approaching fifties. Suddenly, I started to think about myself as a person becoming old, and I got scared. I was not prepared for that.

When attending a business seminar at the Sydney Entertainment Centre led by Tom Peters, I found a flyer on my seat advertising Tony Robbins “Unleash the Power Within”. It was called a seminar, so I was under impression that it had something to do with business. It promised to change my life in a positive way, and I thought: this is just the thing to prepare me for crossing over to fifties. I even got my company to pay for the program so strong was my belief in attending a business seminar. My husband must have read the leaflet more carefully than myself, and he decided to join me. Maybe the power within was to be unleashed, but not his wife. I will always be impressed by his move, clever and supportive even if a bit controlling. 

                         

When I read that the part of the program included a fire walk it was too late to change my mind. If I withdrew, I would lose my self-respect, I would consider myself a coward, it would hurt me rather than help to combat the resistance to getting old. And one Friday evening we showed up at the Sydney Entertainment Centre and were immediately surrounded by rather strangely enthusiastic people. Not our class, darling, I though. Tony Robbins did not make a good impression on me either. I was standing amongst this strange crowd and totally disapproved. It was a strange environment, and I knew that it was a big mistake, a huge one! There was no way out though and Tony in preparing his audience for the fire walk scared us out of our wits. First, he scared us and then taught us how to manage the walk. It was NLP in action. Anchoring, mirroring and matching and other skills to help us with this crazy activity which was ahead of us. I realized that I might disapprove of the undignified  movements we were encouraged to follow, but if I do not listen to what he says I either will not do the walk or burn myself rather badly. So I started to do the oooooh… while pretending that I was a plane taking a turn followed by an energetic clap of the hands. Then we were supposed to make a fist. I felt very silly, but that lasted only for a while, and then I was taking off with the best of them making silly noises and then making a fist. This was anchoring of a resourceful state in which we were going to march into the burning coals. I was amused and impressed looking at my normally very sane Swedish husband doing his oooooh and pretending to fly. It was not his scene, and I think he did it for his crazy Polish wife. It must have been love.

                                             

                                        

Then the time came when we were supposed to cue for the walk. There were several places where the coals were burning. We picked one. I was shaking, wondering if I can do it, but I was clenching my fist as if my life depended on it repeating the walk mantra under my breath. When we were very close to our start, my husband offered to show me how to do it and go first. I would not have it. I wonder what it says about me, hmm… Then I went… the coals felt as it they were cool, I was in a trance. I can not remember how many steps there were, perhaps not too many, but I felt the heat of the fire on my face. At the end of the walk somebody poured a bucket of cold water over my feet, another crazy stranger hugged me, my husband was close behind, and the trial was over. We hugged people around us, and we jumped out of joy. It was fantastic! And it was over!

                                    

On reflection, it was the peak of my life so far. Big, big achievement, touching support of somebody I loved and the next half of my life was still ahead of me. I felt as if I was flying while coming home over the Harbour Bridge in the early morning hours. I was full of brave, exciting plans. I felt unstoppable like Tony promised. He said it will change my life and it did.

I was really well prepared to face my fifties and I actually started to feel young again. The time started to rewind itself like it did when I was twenty-six. For some time at least. Maybe another fire walk?

About courage

Courage has been one of my core values for quite a while. I value this value a lot. I could not resist this repetition even if it is a cheap trick. Am I a courageous person though? In some ways, definitely, but in some not at all. I would like to blame some of my shortcomings on my upbringing and my overprotective mother, but I had a lot of time to fix some problems. The fact is that I do not swim, and I do not ski because I was afraid of deep water and speed on slippery tracks. Some excuse may be that growing up in the middle of Poland there was no water or mountains around. I am aware that it is only a weak excuse and that I should own up to the fact that I am not able to do those things that an average Australian can. I can boast, however, that I walked on fire, though. Twice!

                                                                            

                                         

I am talking about physical courage, and there are of course other types. I may score better in some other disciplines of courage. I am not sure what I may come up with when I begin to reflect and analyse my case.

The reason why this subject came to my mind today is that I started to think about and plan my Christmas. One could say: already??? For a person who does not have the family around, Christmas is a time of challenge that needs solutions and planning. Strangely enough, I noticed that one of my posts about Christmas had been read recently few times. It is not only me who thinks about Christmas is September then.   What has this to do with courage? Not much, but it has a bit, the way I look at it. I always wanted to see Angkor Wat, and I was not sure how I could do it. It seemed a bit risky. There are few places in the world I would like to see and wonder if it is not beyond me to travel solo to India and South America. Africa somehow does not work on my imagination enough to want to go there, and nobody is trying to convince me otherwise. Europe is another kettle of fish. Europe is home, and I feel relatively comfortable traveling there especially that I perhaps could have the company of my fabulous niece, Martyna and my old Uni friend Basia. Maybe even of my young nephew Peter. For the coming year I am planning to go Madrid and with some luck to Italy again, Arezzo is firmly on my mind.

Dreaming of Italy again and Piero della Francesca's frescos

                                  

This was a bit of dreaming about future travels and by verbalizing the aspirations, I feel energized and hopeful that I will make them a reality. 

Going back to the trigger of this post and the possibility of spending Christmas and the New Year in Cambodia and Laos; it all started as a random thought after reading a coincidental email notifying me of the possibility.  After few minutes looking at the literary, prices and dates, I realized that having sufficient courage I should decide to go.  I will be fulfilling one of my dreams which I had classified as unrealistic.  Why unrealistic? Heavy suitcase, demanding walks, the behaviour of my heart? It is all manageable if I have the courage and stop to play safe and sensible. Suddenly I got a shot of enthusiasm and started to think that it is not always safe to play safe. My always wise friend Basia cautiously approved of my new idea, but I was sensing some reservations. It made me hesitant again. But perhaps it is better not to think too long about “to go or not to go,” pluck up the courage and just book the trip. The issue is still open.

                                 

Life afer finishing Neapolitan quartet

It took a while to read the Neapolitan quartet, big parts of my days and evenings were filled in with reading the books. Now I have finished. There are and will be gaps in my days I will automatically like to fill in with continuing the story. Today I will write about my impressions even if I am conscious of the fact that this is not the subject that interests many of people who may stumble over my blog. Maybe I do not give the book justice it deserves or maybe the book itself is not of wider interest. In any case, my stats show that my posts related to the Neapolitan story dropped. I do not mean to say that I do not care, but I write the blog mainly for myself. The reading of the quartet was a rather personal exercise. The story stirred me, clarified some of my thoughts and gave new meaning to my memories.

It is a dark book. Conclusions one can draw are pessimistic and depressing. Idealistic and somewhat naïve people, like me, have to eventually accept facts of life and they are not pretty. This applies to human nature and to politics and politicians. None of the characters of the books is a knight in a shining armor; they are all very human not to say imperfect or even evil. While reading the books I identified with some of the characters, their thinking, and actions. From the beginning, I took the events on a face value, but the analysis that followed in later parts added disturbing depth and hypothesis.

Writing about mistakes of young people that were made out of need and desire for love and recognition, Elena Ferrante stresses the point that mistakes are unavoidable.  They have to be respected by older and wiser by letting such situations to run its course without interfering. This is not what parents typically think and do believing that their children need to be helped and advised, sometimes even forbidden to proceed with their plans. Elena Ferrante says to parents -  let the mistakes happen and even give their support.  Do not interfere with your children and your own fate. This is not resignation followed by critical observation after forthcoming disasters and thinking “I told you so”. This is accepting that things need to go along the way the objects see as right for them. Almost like accepting fate in the style of Greek tragedies. I have made some mistakes in my life, some wrong decisions; I even acted the way I feel ashamed of. Like anybody else. Reading the book, I forgave myself for that. I could not have acted differently at the time with knowledge, experience, and feelings I had. It had to be like it was. The sad events, the ones that helped me to build my charter as it is now, took a different meaning while reading the book, they do not seem disturbing. At least I do not feel hard done by the events and the people who hurt me. This is the power of the book. It takes one through the stories that one can relate to and see them from new perspectives.

This is another book about writing and writers. Knausgard and Ferrante write about themselves and their lives as writers. They make it very clear that writers need to expose themselves in their most intimate, difficult moments of life and write about their inner life. Even if what they write is supposed to be fiction. Some of us bloggers call ourselves writers. I do not. I do not have sufficient courage or confidence. However, writing was my dream since I was a young girl. I think that all of us readers, at some stage dream of writing ourselves. Those dreams wake up at the time when professional careers finish. People start to blog. Does it make us potential writers? In my opinion not many of us, but we can have fun and explore. I do.