Love patterns

While I tidy up things in my home or cook, I like to listen to the radio. In my case this is often not listening to a radio but to podcasts. For a long time, there were Polish political podcasts, but they became less and less interesting as the time went by. What is happening in Poland now is so tragic that in self-defense I do not listen to it much. The country is being more and more destroyed with each new “good change” introduced by the government. The people are not interested in their future but happy with little perks they get from time to time. Just like lemmings or the proverbial frog that is getting cooked not noticing gradual increase of the water temperature.  The journalists who I liked to listen to in the past irritate me more and more. They must be feeling powerless as they just complain, interrupt the people they interview and repeat themselves. They really don’t have much power to change the situation, but in my opinion, they make it worse. OK, I feel a little better getting my complains out of the system.

So, yesterday as I was washing up, I was listening to a podcast from the Sydney Writers Festival instead. Aciman, one of my favourite writers, was talking about his book Enigma Variation. This time I am not going to write about any book, but about love patterns, books and writing. Seems there is no escape from books for me. And now I know why.

Aciman said that our first crush determines how we will be in love for the rest of our lives. We will desire the same way as it was the first time and there is no escape from it. He says such a life sentence is beautiful but I wonder?

When I heard it, I started to think if this was true for me and I had serious doubts about it. I could not remember anything interesting about boys at school. Then my thoughts went into my preadolescent times and to my surprise, I found my first fascination with another person. Was it a crush? Maybe, but I was too innocent for realizing that at the time. I still would not call it a crush. I was maybe seven or maybe younger when it all started? She was older. And again, I do not remember how old she was but she was old enough to read serious books and she was good at telling the stories to me. I was in owe with her and I wanted very much to be her friend and to be taught by her about life and perhaps about love most of all. We met at a summer holidays I spent at my grandparents. She was a girl from Warsaw and that was very impressive. Tenia, this was her name, stayed during school holidays with the neighbours of my grandparents. She was much older than me but I do not think she was older than fifteen when we first met. She was a keen reader and her choice of books was rather advanced. I particularly remember her telling me the whole story of An American Tragedy by Theodore Dreiser. I never read the book myself but I still remember the plot as she told me. It was about a couple of young people. The man was weak and manipulative and the girl naïve and trusting. She got pregnant but the young man did not have any plans to marry her. During seemingly romantic rowing escapade the boat turned over, the girl could not swim, the man did not help her so she drowned and the court case followed. What I find amazing is that I still remember the story, the title and the author. Maybe we were older than I recall? I know that I did not understand much of what it meant being pregnant, so I was putting the story together over time as my knowledge gradually increased. I remember that she told me other stories that were love stories with actions I did not understand. We met during a number of summer holidays and I was always wondering if she is going to come the following year. Of course, I was hoping we will meet again and she will be telling me more stories during our long walks among the wheat fields or in the pine woods that were not that far from our respective homes. The wheat fields started just behind the fence of my grandparents' garden. Those were idyllic times and idyllic walks. I never thought about myself as having a crush on Tenia, but perhaps it was just that. When I recollect the times now the sweet feeling of nostalgia overwhelms me.

                              

So, if I use this relationship as the pattern for my future loves they would need to follow the pattern of me looking up to the men I loved and I needing to learn from them. And that is how it always was for me except for my first boyfriend. This is a subject which I would like to explore later. Maybe I will post it or maybe it will become too close and personal.

My conclusion is that in my case Aciman’s claim that our first crush determines how we will be in love for the rest of our lives and how we will desire the first time will determine all our future desires has been  very true.

My 2015

                                                     

It is this time of the year to take stock of events and learnings of the year that soon will belong to my past. Has it been a good year? Yes. Not an easy or particularly happy one but it has been in many ways a good year.

Some people, quite a few really, think that I tend to over-analyse or even complicate things. I reluctantly agree. Translating my favourite Polish saying into rather clumsy English – I have it like that. This is how I am made. I do not apologise for being one way or another as long as I do not hurt anyone. In this particular case, I bore some people and this maybe hurting them, even if only a little. Meeting friends, I watch myself not to go on my marry way analyzing small events to death. This forum however allows self indulgence, reading my post is not compulsory, even if very much appreciated.

Wow, it has been a long, meandering introduction. I declared the 2015 to be the Year of Elegance. I do not mean dressing elegantly but living elegantly. Living elegantly means to me being measured and deliberate in reactions to life surprises and challenges. Not going into a flap. Accepting whatever comes at me without blaming anyone or denying existence of potential problems. Being grateful for existence, friends and surrounding beauty. Forever learning. Keeping good order around me and within me. Accepting limitations. Living with moderation especially when it comes to eating habits. No rush and no greed. And definitely no overeating. And loving… Not necessarily particular people, even though this is always a wonderful experience but just being loving and kind. Elegant living requires good listening, this is how we find beauty and needs of others.

It came out as my life credo. It is, really. So, have I lived elegantly this year? In some aspects, yes. There is a lot of room for improvement though.

2015 was a year of recovery from rather serious health issues that took over a big part of my 2014. The problems taught me a lot. The main lesson was in acceptance and taking things as they are, submitting to necessary hardship, trusting that this too shall pass. And it did pass. At least for now, but I have improved my ability to live in the moment and do not worry that much about what may come, as I did in the past.

It is always very difficult for me to loose a friendship. Unfortunately, I did loose friendships this year. One, I lost very definitely through death. I feel sorry at the loss and thankful that I was given a chance to know the man. Bad memories fell by the wayside.

The other changes brought disappointment, some surprises and plenty of life experience. I moved on…

The main uplifting event of the year was my stay in Poland. Once again I decided that I do not want to close the Polish chapter yet but I rather continue my schizophrenic life between the two countries I love. I am now hoping that Poland under new rulers will not change in such a way that I will not want to go there again.

Some of my European summer plans did not work out but some worked out better than I had expected. My traveling plans did not work; I had some health issues that stopped me to visit Berlin or Prado in Madrid.

I wanted to renew contacts with my family and friends and this worked out better than I had expected. I enjoyed getting in touch and spending time with my old friends and the young ones. The young people, I am close to, are fantastic. Living their lives and planning their future well. It was stimulating and very enjoyable to talk to my young friends. I have also mended some ways that got broken in the past. This was one of the happiest experiences of the year and it means a lot to me.

I used to say that I do not have family, and then went, with my partner of the time, to a family reunion. There were close to 200 people of Mieszkowski (my maiden name) family. My partner said – You do not have family? and who are those people??? It woke me up. I do have a big family with whom I do not keep much contact. I made a choice, not the best one and I take full responsibility for that. To remember about my family I included a family reunion picture as my FB background. This is what will always stand behind me, the legacy of my parents.

Coming back to Sydney with new thoughts and new energy, I made a commitment to go to gym twice a week, play and improve my bridge in the local club - Trumps, play lawn bowls and volunteer in the local council. It all works very well and is fun. All except volunteering. It is very difficult to comprehend that wanting to be useful may be such a difficult thing. Bureaucracy of the process is unbelievable. I still live in hope that after seven months I will get an assignment eventually.

It has been also a year when my reading changed. I re-discovered fiction. This is not what I want to elaborate on right now; I just want to say that reading and books have been an important part of my 2015.

It has been a year when I spent a lot of time on my own. This helped me to think through some dilemmas and see things from a new perspective. It has freed me from some doubts and regrets. I decided that life this year has been good.

                                        

On Friedship

Friendship is one of my very core values. Since I was a small girl I thought that friendship was the best a girl could experience. My mother was a romantic at heart and supplied me with books that glorified friendship between girls. I was the only child for 10 years. Then my brother appeared in my life and the life of the family. By that time I did not need a small noisy thing at home. It upset my world that was full of ideas I found in books. And I read the books my romantic mother supplied me with. The main influence was Ann of Green Gables and a book about a princess from Georgia. The second book was a translation from Russian. It was a very old book, referred to as a pre-war edition. Definitely a pre-communistic literature representing very capitalistic ideas. The book must have been forbidden in Russia. The story was about a princess who lost her mother, the unruly girl was placed by her loving father in a boarding school. His decision, however,  was influenced by a skimming and wicked woman. The school was a very exclusive boarding school in Saint Petersburg. The princess felt lonely but she found true friendship among her schoolmates. 

                                                                         

Maybe I will be able to get this book when next time in Poland, a Polish translation though

                                                       

These were friendships for life, till death do us part sort of thing. I responded to this idea vehemently and this is how friendship became my top value that still is the most important of them all. It represented love, honesty, unconditional support, trust and many other beautiful things. Actually, I consider myself most of all a friend. This is my label – I am a friend. It is a relatively new realization even if friendship has been always present and sought for through most of my life. There were times I thought I was a wife, a partner, a manager. Now I know, I am most of all a friend. I do have my own Diana, the best friend of Ann Shirley from the Green Gables. Our friendship does not go as far as the grammar school but it goes to the first day at uni.  It has been long enough to call her my friend for life. She is now the most trusted person in my life and I am very happy and grateful for that.

When I think about real friendship, I really have a friendship with a woman in mind. That is how it was in those books. Boys did feature, unless they were to become at some stage romantic partners. Like Gilbert Blythe. However, there are so many “howevers” in life, I have some male friends that are also true, valued friends.

What friendship means to me? It is trust, permanency, support, understanding, fondness and many other warm and fuzzies. When I was a young woman two of my very close friends died before they turned 30. They were my first loses of friends. It was very painful but there was no betrayal or rejection behind the end of those friendships. I wonder how far they would go. Would they finish prematurely? Would they last till this day?

When some of my friendships finish, I hurt a lot and can not understand it. Friendships do not finish. That is how it was in those books. Friendships are forever. I still want to think that and believe in it. There is a saying that I found at times comforting: Friends are for a reason, for a season or for life. Yes, I have had seasonal friends in my life as well, but those friends who are not “for life” are they real friends or are they my lapse of judgment?

This Picasso painting represents women friendship to me

                                     

Camino dreams

Many years ago, I got a very special present for Christmas. I am a bit ashamed to confess that it was The Alchemist by Coelho. This was my first encounter with the author. I was bewitched. Thank you my Viking friends for opening this path for me. I traveled spiritually Coelho way for some years and I took his messages as a gospel for a while. Looking from a hindsight I seem wiser now. Ramana knows all about Wisdom by Hindsight, he really is a wise man.  But I digress. On my bookshelves there are only two Coelho books these days. The Alchemist and The Pilgrimage. They both guided me spiritually in my busy corporate times, they will stay with me.

So, I got the Alchemist for Christmas and I had a wondrous and ponderous time reading the book in one go, sitting in the hammock with my faithful dog Mia near me. That was bliss! Beautiful memories. This is how my Camino dream has started.

Some short years later The Pilgrimage was published. Another revelation and a new dream. The dream was to walk Camino. Many, many years I was dreaming about making the pilgrimage of about 1000 kilometers. It was all before times when the walk became fashionable. It seemed to me a true self-discovery experience. But I had a job that absorbed me completely and a partner who did not see any attraction in such exercise. Those days I did not do things by myself and for myself. So, my Camino dream, together with books on the subjects were put on the shelf. They are still there,  the shelves are new but it is the same old dream. Being realistic I am not able to walk the distance now. I waited too long. But maybe another route to Santiago de Compostela, the one from Portugal, is still within my capability? One needs to have dreams and many roads lead to Santiago...

                              

One of my real and blogging friends Hans the Hiker just finished his Camino walk.  I have been following his pilgrimage thinking about dreams not fulfilled, drawing some  pseudo philosophical conclusions. Following Hans on Face Book and reading his camino blog, I saw pictures that looked exactly as I imagined the walk to be. The misty landscapes, old, very old towns and villages, elated pilgrims photographed next to Camino landmarks… It all woke up feelings of missed opportunities and even mild, friendly envy.

                                         
                                         

The people who walk the walk, are people who made it happen themselves. My full respect, chapeau bas(if you are French), szacun (if you are Polish)… They all deserve respect and admiration.  They are my role models.

Ok, this is enough for the Saturday morning observations and reflections. Time to start Carpe Diem not to miss more caminos.  

Things and people passing on

In the last weeks and  even months I my experiences have been marked by changes and departures. While I do not want to dwell on the negatives, I feel that I want to reflect on the events.

Changes in friendships have always been a big thing with me. I wanted them to last forever.  I thought that this was a rule, once you like somebody you like the person forever. But it is  not like that. As years passed I noticed that marriages finish, friends move away, close people die, dreams do not come to be....  Many good new things start at the same time and I find it important to keep track of them as they often slip away from my emotional radar. Rick Hanson, a leading neuropsychologist,  says  that our brains are like Velcro for the bad and Teflon for the good. So the trick is to Velcro the good experiences. This is challenging at times, especially when the bad is coming at you with increased speed.

My most painful of recent events was a death of somebody once very close to me. Our ways had parted and we both moved on with our lives, but I knew that we could talk, even if sporadically, exchange views on interesting things and help each other when needed. This chapter is now totally, definitely, painfully closed. I will not be able to exchange my impressions on Herman Hesse biography, that I just finished reading, with the big fan of the writer. And the book made a big impression on me and stirred me up. I will not find a warm homemade bread at my door, left for me as a surprise. 

Wow, I am getting too sentimental...

In a particularly challenging for me time, I had to part ways with an older person I had been supporting for some years . Dealing with rejection and ungratefulness was difficult for quite some time. I tried to find an explanation or a justification but eventually, not finding any satisfactory ones,  I had to except that one of the “beautiful friendships” has finished and I do not know why.

Corny? Yes, but cute.

I think it is time to stop listing my sorrows and focus on some lessons and compensations. Acceptance is the name of the game. We need to accept what we are dealt and play the game to the best of our abilities.  Like my favourite pastime – bridge - sometimes  we  have right cards for a game or even a slam at others cards are not good at all. Professional players do not get overly excited or upset, they just bid and play the best they can with the cards they have. Sometimes they lose even with the best of hand but they play on. If only I could be that philosophical always!

Once I have accepted the experience there is time for Reflection. This is what I am doing right now. New thoughts come to mind, new observations...sometimes even Learning. Then, there is time and opportunity for  Selection of Memories like creating a treasure chest of good memories. The chapters are closed, no new events will interfere and I am free to remember what I want without paying attention to memories  I want to blank out. This way I retain only the best of the past.   Is it realistic and will it work? I do not know, but I feel better already.