Time to shake off the blues

Frankly, I cannot see any changes in the circumstances I was bothered by, the other day writing my previous post. So, I thought that I ask my stoic bible for advice. I do not like this feeling of sadness and lack of control and I want to change it. Will it work? I hope so.

Mark Aurelius said that we do not have to give in to negative feelings like sadness or frustration. We may not have influence over the circumstances, but we have influence over our feelings and reactions. OK, I know the theory and I agree with it, but to make this necessary change is rather difficult. But if I do not make the necessary change in my mood, I am told that I am not true to myself, that I do not use the opportunities that are just at the stretch of the hand. That I waste opportunity to live better. Hmm…

Another thought, this time Seneca is the author of the wisdom, is that a wise person must not wait for the external bad circumstances to be resolved before the happy life can be lived.  It is shameful to wait with leading a happy and full life till whatever is bad at the moment passes or gets resolved. It is silly to expect that there will come the moment when everything is perfect and then we can spread our wings. This will never happen and we would waste our life waiting in vain for a perfect situation.

This is the theory, I intend to apply to my day and practice it. Will I manage? Maybe?? I feel a little better already.

Things look a little bleak

I have not been posting for a while and this is not because I do not have time to write. I have not been in the best of spirits, and this is quite an understatement. There a number of reasons for it. The weather is not uplifting to say the least. This has had impact on my mood and my well-being. Generally speaking, I do not feel well.

The political situation in the country is very depressing and there is no hope for a change. Polish government is doing its best to upset the EU and force Brussels to impose penalties on Poland. This most likely will eventually lead to Poland either being expelled or leaving the Union on its own accord claiming that it does not intend to be ruled by foreign powers. Political events are moving like a tsunami changing the old democratic order dramatically. As of yesterday, there is no independent jurisdiction. Today, we all woke up in a new reality. Sad, very sad. I can imagine the consequences of the current event and it looks very bleak to me. The people protests are massive and very moving, but in my opinion futile.

The Chain of Light protests outside the Courthouse in Warsaw. The light represents respect and sadness for outgoing democratic rules and hope for the future

                          

This is rather marginal and inconsequential, but few days ago the visit of Mr Trump in Poland was another reason to feel depressed. The visit was considered by some a great success, everything worked very well and the presidents of both countries were happy with the outcome. Mr. Trump laid superlatives towards Poland and Polish history so thick that it was too superficial even for American standards. Of course, he did not mean any of what he was saying and most likely even did not understand it. The sad thing about it is, that Polish crowds were lapping it up, cheering enthusiastically thinking that Poland and its history are eventually appreciated and understood. As the country is falling down some see it as uplifting future. I want to be the one who is wrong. How much I would like to be the one to be in the wrong!

While I have no influence on weather and politics and not that much on my health situation, I have all the control over that I read. And here, I made a wrong choice some ten days ago. For an while, if not for always, I read books to find answers to the questions: What is it all about? How to live well?  The most uplifting books I have found so far are books based stoic philosophy. This time I chose The Name of the Rose by Umberto Eco. Bad choice. Not that the book is bad, far from it, but it is so dark in its mood and conclusions that it will take some effort to shake all the negativity off.

                                                                 

I do not intend to write about the content of the book this time, but I would like to write about the reason why I decided to read it. It was a fashionable book some years ago, but it somehow did not appeal to me then. Medieval times did not turn me on, they are still not my favourite times in history. I see too many frightening similarities between those times and some aspects of the current days.  As I perhaps mentioned earlier, books in Poland are published with much more care than their equivalents in other countries. I found this beautiful book in one of the many books stores in Gdansk and I could not resist buying it. The next step was to read it. The first 100 “boring” pages were intended by the author to check out the reader and his intention to go beyond the crime story that the book is known for. I passed the test and got sucked into the gloom and doom, cruelty, fanaticism, falseness of religious intentions and all that negative stuff. Mea Culpa! and my depression.

There is a Polish radio program where they always ask participants two questions: what is good and what is bad in the current situation. I have answered the second question comprehensively, the first one is a bit trickier today, but I have an answer! The conversion rate from Aussie dollars to Polish zloty improved in my favour! 

What Poles Drink Today

Poles always had reputation of being excessive drinkers. I agree that there was a lot of over drinking especially among people with insufficient financial means and education. One could often see in the morning “yesterday’s men” struggling from one lamp post to the next. Perhaps the last night they were drowning their sorrows or celebrating some occasion. I sometimes think that they drunk that much to forget the reality too difficult to cope with when sober? Difficult to say. Maybe the climate? Maybe the Slavic soul?

I just finished the fifth part of Knausgard’s My Struggle. This is a material for another post perhaps, but for now I just wanted to write about Scandinavian drinking or rather over drinking. Young Karl Ove, the author, in his twenties, is almost permanently drunk and so are his friends and colleagues. In drunken fits, they behave in a way that so called civilised society would definitely disapprove of. They are all educated and sensitive people without any real financial problems. Their protective government takes care of that. And they drink, it seems, more than proverbial Pole. Existential angst? Climate? Youth? I am defending the reputation of Poles a bit and perhaps quite unnecessarily, especially that this is not what I want to write about this time.  Anyhow, for the last few years I have not seen in Poland a man with a visible hangover. Maybe the drinking problem is solved or maybe drinking moved into homes and now in invisible.

Being curious (maybe not exactly insatiably, but curious nevertheless) I started to wonder what Poles drink those days.

I observed that they drink more wine and with a better understanding of the pleasure wine may bring. I still have some problems with being served white wine that is too warm for me or any wine that is not really dry. I may be served semi-dry wine because I am a woman and “ladies prefer more delicate taste”?  Still, the wine culture is already here and there are many real wine connoisseurs around.

There are specialised shops selling alcohol, but any small supermarket or even a little corner shop typically is licenced and has a comprehensive selection of wine, bear, vodka, whisky etc.

Loyalty cards are quite popular here so I have my Polish selection of such cards. There is a wine shop card among them. I noticed that sales people in Poland are typically more knowledgeable in relation to what they sell than their Aussie counterparts, so I started to ask for advice and opinion quite often. Doing some alcohol shopping in my friendly wine shop, I engaged into a little discussion with the salesman. He told me some interesting stories about wine making in certain regions and at some stage I have asked him the question “what people drink in Poland those days and what is really in fashion”. The answer came immediately and without hesitation: PROSECCO and PRIMITIVO. Both Italian wines, hmm… This is in Poland loving France and French since forever… 

                                

This explained why Aperol Spritz is on the menu of two little restaurants around the corner. I must say that I live in a quiet neighbourhood not known for restaurants. The first day in Gdansk going to the local restaurant of a suggestive and worrying name Italian Job I noticed to my surprise Aperol Spritz on the menu. Since one of my Sydney friends, Karon, tells me and all her Facebook friends, that the day when she has an Aperol Spritz is a good day, I thought that it would be proper to make this day good one for me as well. I ordered the drink. After some minutes, distressed waitress comes to our table saying that they ran out of Aperol, but tomorrow they will definitely have it. I have not tested it yet, but I might, even if I doubt  the preparation of the drink will meet my standards. Or rather Karon’s standards that I share.

                                                   

I also found out from my young Polish friends that whisky should not be any Johnny Walker or even Jack Daniels thing. It should be a single malt whisky with some serious years of maturing!  Obviously, this is not a drink to get drunk on as a Pole, unless money is not an object. But even than one perhaps is not anybody who’s anybody. Times have changed…

                                                    

So Prosecco, Primitivo and single malt whisky! This is what Poles drink today.

Place where a lot has happened

Some time ago, I have been told that I concentrate too much on the past rather than living in the NOW. I got a bit defensive about it, but on reflection I think I may have misunderstood the message and intentions of the person who commented on my posts. This time I must admit that the past is flooding my thoughts and feelings.  It restricted my actions and it is time that I do something about it. The Tri-City of Gdansk, Sopot and Gdynia causes excessive reflections. So much has happened in this place not only for the Polish modern history but also for me personally. I decided that writing I about it may help to get it out and forget. Here it goes…

I have not considered Gdansk to be my home town until quite recently it has started to change. Before I left Poland for living in other countries, I considered myself to be a Warsaw girl. I lived in Warsaw for about 15 years and felt at home there. I only visited the area around Gdansk from time to time. Almost each visit, however, triggered off some important change in my life. I have not realised that until quite recently, but the pattern is very clear.

It was not far from Gdansk that I fell in love for the first time. They are nice and tender memories confused a bit by the fact that it was me who left the relationship and not for a good reason. I simply grew out of it. Maybe this is a good reason enough? The object of my reminiscing lives in Gdansk now. When I pass his place of business, and I do sometimes, I cannot stop the memories to come back.

Yesterday, I walked from Sopot along the beach towards Gdansk. And again, I passed the place where my life took one of those critical turns. There, I met my future husband during one summer holiday. It was also the time where I said good bye to my first love. It was confusing and created a sense of guilt in me. It was quite an appropriate feeling for I was still a catholic girl and a Polish one to it. Guilt is speciality of Poles and a Catholicism is based on it.  So, I felt bad, but my life at the same time moved in the new exciting direction and the bliss of the first grownup love followed.

There is another place in the Long Market in the Old Town of Gdansk, where I learnt computing languages and this made me a programmer and started my IT career lasting many, many years. It was the start to my successful professional life. It is difficult not to pass the place where I studied those languages when I stroll in the Old Town and then it is difficult not to think about the times passed. Actually, it was more that studying involved there. 

There are two facades but the buildings are internally joined 

                                               

The room now looks very much the same as I remember it

After some years, life took me away from Poland and Australia became my new home. But before I moved there, me and the new man in my life spent part of our honey moon in Sopot staying in the Grand Hotel. It was a grand place, as the name indicates, but it was a tired grandness, only a memory of grand times. The communistic rulers did not approve of excesses in comfort and elegance, so the place was badly kept. It still meant a lot to me to be there. We had a room with a view. It was not a grand room, definitely not a honey moon suit, but the windows opened towards the sea. I thought it was fantastic.  I remember opening the window and inhaling the smell, the smell of sea I always found wonderful.

During my years in Australia I have not though about Gdansk at all and very little really about Poland. Of course, I knew about Solidarity and Walesa. It was Gdansk again…

After years my life went through another turn and I found myself on holidays in Gdansk. A single person again. With the help of my dear friend I reacquainted my old admirer. We went through a period of mutual infatuation and since we both were single it seemed sensible to plan our autumn years together. That is how I came to live in Gdansk. We shared the memories of our young years, love for literature and inclination to philosophising. We both loved under-cooked vegetables which is rather uncommon in Poland. That seemed enough to enter another relationship.  It was not that idyllic as I had imagined, but there are beautiful memories that come to me very often when I am in Gdansk. There is a lot of melancholy around it as the man has passed away.

There are a lot of good, happy feelings as well as I love my life style when in Poland. I also find my Gdansk place very comfortable and beautiful. I hope I will be able to return here for many more years. If I would be asked now what my Polish home town is , I would definitely answer – GDANSK!

Corpus Christi

My religious catholic times are over. This came with the package of noticing discrepancies between what the church practices and preaches. In addition, I divorced my first husband and the relationship moved into a true  friendship phase. The church however does not forgive such mistakes and excommunicates poor souls who change their minds as far as marriage goes. So, I was excommunicated and my old religious practices had to be stopped.

Living in Sydney as a non-Catholic I am typically unaware of the church holidays, not so in Poland. Today is the Corpus Christi day and that involves processions around each town, and I believe, villages as well. In Gdansk in the several parts of the town there are local Corpus Christi processions organised by the church and its more enthusiastic believers. For many years, the street at which I live has been selected to be on the route of the local procession. Further, the fence of the house has been especially honoured by erection of one of the four procession altars that belong to the process. I am respectful of the proceedings even if it is not my fairy-tale any more.

Yesterday, I noticed a couple of ladies energetically cleaning up the pavement around the house. They paid particular attention to crevices between the small granite stones at the edge of the pavement. I did not connect immediately their activities with the forthcoming Corpus Christi, but eventually I clicked when they asked me to keep an eye on potential cars that might want to park next to the altar that was going to be erected the next day morning. I promised to keep a watch, hoping nobody will park as I would perhaps not have enough motivation to intervene. Thankfully, nobody did.

This is the view of one of the main processions in Gdansk. Much more grandiose than my local one.Maybe the next year I will make my way to the Old Town of Gdansk for the occasion?

                                   

This morning I was waiting for the procession to pass next to my windows and around 11:00 I heard religious singing heralding the event. First a group of regular believers appeared, followed by church officials dressed in white albs, then little girls with baskets full of flower petals to be spread in front of the main priest marching under a canopy carried by four men. At the end about two hundred believers walked with their heads down showing particular respect. I liked observing the event, but had to be very discreet about it not to offend the religious feelings of anyone or trigger off potential aggression of people who may have not liked to be observed during their religious rituals. While watching, I prayed a bit in my own non-Catholic way similar to meditation. I liked the peacefulness coming with the moment.

The priest read some scriptures, just few meters away from my window where I was hiding behind a net curtain, then he performed a very short part of a mass and few minutes later, the whole procession walked away singing again.

To me, the whole process belongs more to the XIXth century than to the modern world of the XXIst, but such is Poland. It lives in the past and the future at the same time. In most of the cases I like it. 

Starting my Polish Holiday

Changing realities is a bit disorientating. I have done it few times in the last two weeks. I may be using too grandiose term for my situation, but this is how it felt for a while. Leaving Sydney, I stepped into a “being in the air” bubble.  This is how I feel when I travel between Australia and Europe – I step into a different reality than my usual day to day life. This is my way to cope with a very long flight.

When I landed in Warsaw I entered another world. This was the world of my dear friends who took care of me in the first week in Poland. I was fed five times a day (much too much by my standards) and I enjoyed the indulgence forced upon me. I ate plenty of bread and potatoes, food that is very seldom on my menu in Sydney. This may not sound very special, but it was to me.  Sure, there were many other things to choose from, but they seemed less attractive than the forbidden fruits of fantastic Polish carbohydrates.

I was socialising 7X24 (or close to it) during the time in Warsaw. This was another substantial change to my usual life style. And again, I enjoyed the change very much even if at times it was a bit tiring (tiring to both sides, I imagine). This seemed to be another reality to me.

A week later I was on my way to Gdansk, yet another reality. I have been here for less than one week, but it feels “normal” already. Looks that I got accustomed to changing environments even if the beginning was quite disorientating.  So, I am back in my Gdansk place, the place I will call home for the next three months. I feel happy here and I intend to make the best of my stay here and promise myself to stay away from those tempting carbohydrates.

I love my life in Australia and my real home is there, and yet being in Poland touches some nostalgic strings and makes me feel that many of my important interests lie in Poland. This revolves mostly around cultural issues. I love atmosphere of old towns, their architecture including churches. For many people churches are boring, but not so for me. They typically contain architectural gems, paintings, sculptures, frescoes and such. It all adds up to this specific churchy atmosphere that I love.

I also notice a little different attitude to music, books, theatre and social life. Some of it I very much like the Polish way. I see more reverence for cultural life in Poland than I observe in Australia. It may be only superficial, but I like people dressing up for theatre, concerts or opera. I admit, there is some formality about it. This maybe unnecessary, but for me it is nice even if on two recent occasions, I was the one who was under-dressed.

During my two weeks in Poland I started strongly my cultural life and attended two events. One was the Closing of the Season Concert in the Warsaw Philharmonic and the second Nabuco by Verdi in the Gdansk Opera House.

The place seemed smaller than I remembered it

                         

When I entered the Warsaw Philharmonic the memories came back with the strength. I used to be a regular concert goer and this was the place I visited most often. Memories of my past concert companions brought some nice feelings and some sad ones. So many people disappeared from my life…

The view of Warsaw Philharmonic still moves me when I approach it

                                  

The first part of the concert was a little disappointing as the Cello Concerto of Elgar was played not as well as I had expected.  Gustav Mahler’s early cantata was a different story. It has been many years since I heard Warsaw Philharmonic Choir and I think we both, the choir and I, matured over the years. The choir even got a Grammy Award the last year. Looks that my maturing was of a different kind, as there are no awards in this discipline. It was a great concert finishing with a lot of clapping, flowers, speeches to farewell the retiring musicians and celebrating the famous choir. Great evening to file in my memory.

I did not intend to write reviews of concerts or operas, so I stop here. I only wanted to illustrate some aspects of my life during the Polish holiday.

This post is really to mark my returning to blogging, so soon I will write more. 

Little Pains of Attachment

As we go through life, we get attached to people, animals, places and things. Those are happy times when we have them in our lives. When we lose them, we experience sadness and the feeling of longing appears. I sometimes wonder if it is worth to allow myself attachments while I know that they are most of the times transient. The answer is hesitantly positive.

The thing is that attachments creep up on you, you really, do not make decisions in this matter. At least not from the start. But later on, an attachment can be reviewed and one can create an emotional distance to it or continue to build it up to its potential when you can be hurt by the disappearing link.

                                               

                                                 

In my life, I experienced many departures of people, I left behind many places I loved, many of my belongings are no longer mine, three of my best doggy friends passed on. This was associated with pain, at times even an excruciating pain.  Still, this means that I loved and it was worth the risk of future pain. What is happening now does not call for such a dramatic introduction, but I got surprised by the sadden feeling of emptiness and a  little sadness after my neighbours moved out and left for Melbourne. They were ideal neighbours, young, helpful, friendly and inspirational. Both of them interesting people in many ways. And there were also two cats Snow and Indy, they liked to visit my garden and I liked to watch them frolicking around. I knew that they were all going to move out one day and I did not think that there was anything sad about it.

Yesterday was their last day in the place and when I was coming home from my bridge session, the orange car belonging to them was no longer in front of the house. The sadness and sense of loss hit me unexpectedly.  This was not a pleasant feeling and I did not want to experience it at all. So I went on with my normal occupations, but some negative feeling lingered through the evening. This morning working on my computer at the desk overlooking the garden, I subconsciously expected to see Indy or Snow climbing the fences around the garden. And I realised that they are not in their old home anymore and they will not pay me a visit. Sadness again. Even now when the branches of the trees around move and the lighting changes I automatically lift up my gaze expecting to see a cat or two.

Another departure I will live with retaining nice memories and planning a visit in Melbourne where I will have two lots of friends from now on. The sadness will pass, especially that I will be leaving myself for Poland in few days.