Little Pains of Attachment

As we go through life, we get attached to people, animals, places and things. Those are happy times when we have them in our lives. When we lose them, we experience sadness and the feeling of longing appears. I sometimes wonder if it is worth to allow myself attachments while I know that they are most of the times transient. The answer is hesitantly positive.

The thing is that attachments creep up on you, you really, do not make decisions in this matter. At least not from the start. But later on, an attachment can be reviewed and one can create an emotional distance to it or continue to build it up to its potential when you can be hurt by the disappearing link.

                                               

                                                 

In my life, I experienced many departures of people, I left behind many places I loved, many of my belongings are no longer mine, three of my best doggy friends passed on. This was associated with pain, at times even an excruciating pain.  Still, this means that I loved and it was worth the risk of future pain. What is happening now does not call for such a dramatic introduction, but I got surprised by the sadden feeling of emptiness and a  little sadness after my neighbours moved out and left for Melbourne. They were ideal neighbours, young, helpful, friendly and inspirational. Both of them interesting people in many ways. And there were also two cats Snow and Indy, they liked to visit my garden and I liked to watch them frolicking around. I knew that they were all going to move out one day and I did not think that there was anything sad about it.

Yesterday was their last day in the place and when I was coming home from my bridge session, the orange car belonging to them was no longer in front of the house. The sadness and sense of loss hit me unexpectedly.  This was not a pleasant feeling and I did not want to experience it at all. So I went on with my normal occupations, but some negative feeling lingered through the evening. This morning working on my computer at the desk overlooking the garden, I subconsciously expected to see Indy or Snow climbing the fences around the garden. And I realised that they are not in their old home anymore and they will not pay me a visit. Sadness again. Even now when the branches of the trees around move and the lighting changes I automatically lift up my gaze expecting to see a cat or two.

Another departure I will live with retaining nice memories and planning a visit in Melbourne where I will have two lots of friends from now on. The sadness will pass, especially that I will be leaving myself for Poland in few days. 

Denial

I am still in Sydney organising things I need to organise before my holiday, hence not much time for writing or thinking about what to write about. Even the story about my first boyfriend has been put on ice. It has been quite nice to go back in my thoughts to the old very happy and carefree times.  In the process of writing, I have learnt a lot about myself. It is also very pleasant to recollect the times, so I intend to continue the writing only a little later.

Today is Saturday and I thought I will take a break from the preparation to the trip. I went to see a movie, I rather did not plan to see, but it has been enthusiastically mentioned by one of my bridge friends, so changed my plans and went to see Denial.

My earlier reservations were about the subject of the film. I have seen so many films about Holocaust with Auschwitz as a place of action that I thought I will give myself a break. I still remember the primary school excursion to the concentration camp. I was so shocked by the exhibits that I will not be able to go there again. The pictures are still vivid in my memory. I shudder when I think that the place I stay at when in Gdansk, was during the war occupied by professor Spanner who developed the method of producing soap. I cannot bring myself to be specific about it.

Anyhow, I went to see the film and I do not regret it. Obviously, I do not feel uplifted this afternoon, but it is a good film. The story is very interesting and it did happen in real life. It is sad that life writes such good, but unpleasant scenarios. What is even sadder is that it is relevant to this day. The story is about the legal battle for historical truth requiring a proof that the Holocaust really happened. David Irving accused Deborah Lipstadt of libel when she called him denier of historical truth. It is relevant as in many countries neo-Nazis movements are more and more prevalent and often considered a sign of patriotism. For such movements, the truth of Holocaust is uncomfortable and there is temptation to deny that it did happen.

                                    

The film’s title Denial, has double meaning. The obvious one describes the subject of the film and the second one relates to needed self-denial of Deborah Lipstadt and survivors of Auschwitz. The accused, an acclaimed historian and a writer, assumes that she will be able to defend herself taking a stand during the trial. She also expects that she will be able to call on one of the survivors of the Holocaust. The team of lawyers, however, has different plans and their approach does not include any active involvement in the trial of the accused. This causes strong controversy between the client and the team of lawyers. The lawyers demand from Deborah self-denial of satisfaction voicing her strong opinions. It has been some time ago when I understood that often our ego makes us want to do or say things which really harm us. At work, I was often confronted with the situation when people wanted to argue their point even if this was detrimental to a desired outcome. I was saying then: “Do you want to be right or do you want to solve the problem?”. Clever question and I need to confess that I borrowed it from someone. I like the question, it hit me with its obvious truth and power. It is so useful to remember it at times when we want to fight rather than go in the direction of the desired outcome. Like in this film. 

There were two awarded roles in the film. One of Rachel Weisz playing Rachel Lipstadt (Academy Award) and the Cannes Award for Timothy Spall playing David Irving. My favourite, however, was Tom Wilkinson who played Richard Rampton QC defending Rachel Lipstadt. I noticed Tom Wilkinson the first time in his role in Michael Clayton and only then I started to pay attention to this very good and likeable actor.

My rating of the film is 8 out of 10.

Out of comfort zone

Some time ago I saw The Clouds of Sils Maria and the film made a big impression on me. I liked Kristen Stewart, her very contemporary looks with sadness and mystique mixed in. Now, comes another film with the same actress and the reviews say that this is her best role to date. Mind you, she is only 27, so there will be more films with the label “Kristen Stewart the best ever!!”. At least I think she has got it in her. I will also follow the film director of both of the films Olivier Assayas.

                                 

Before I found out what the film is all about I decided to see not so much the film as Kristen Stewart. It was in the post hospital time and I postponed the movie going for a short while. During this time, the film lost its popularity and was screened only very late finishing after 11:00 pm.  Actually, the film was not popular at all, maybe because it was advertised as a horror film, even if it should have been more accurately described as a thriller. Neither of the descriptions enthused me to see it, but I wanted to see the young actress in her best role. While I hesitated if I should go to a horror movie so late in the day, the film stopped to be screened in my local cinema. I was determined, though, and made a brave decision to step out of my comfort zone and see the film no matter what. Of course, I am mocking myself and my set ways. As the result, I had a fun day. I travelled to Paddington to see the film, then walked to Woollahra for lunch at my favourite Polish restaurant. I did the fair bit of walking making my new smart pedometer happy. It actually complemented me on my walking achievements. My good Fitbit Alta. I think we may become friends as it talks to me nicely inviting for a stroll.

I was a bit apprehensive when the film started. The first scenes were meant to scare the viewer. Maureen, who is a personal shopper and a spiritist medium, goes to the house of her dead twin brother,Lewis, to make contact with him. One makes contacts with people on the other side in darkness, of course. I started to breathe deeply to settle my nerves, it was really scary, but everything about the scary scenes was very stylish. The whole film was stylish and I loved this aspect of it.

There are few streams in the film cleverly linked to form something like a beautiful psychological collage. The major stream is Maureen trying to get in contact with her dead brother. Then there is the personal shopper stream with Maureen buying the top fashion items for her client, the famous fashionista Kyra. Those scenes may be more for women interested in high fashion. However, I think that they may be universally appreciated for their mood and aesthetic appeal. Another stream, the trip from Paris to London on a Euro Star train builds incredible atmosphere of fear. Smart phone texting is the tool used to scare us. It does, and how! The clicking of writing the messages is better than any other soundtrack. The double question marks also work well in building the suspense. Maureen exchanges messages with an anonymous. Is it her brother, somebody meaning harm, or her other self?

Motorbike rides through Paris are great and Kristen Stewart looks fantastic in the helmet, moving through crowded streets with high speed and confidence. Energising scenes, one moves more energetically and elegantly remembering those pictures and the soundtrack.

                                      

I love the finesse of the film and the subtle links between the film elements. Like the background song by Marlene Dietrich – The Carpenter Song, DasHobellied. The song is about a carpenter whose plane is like destiny levelling all lives with the same indifference not considering importance and status. At some stage of the film we find out that Lewis, Maureen brother was a carpenter and that this profession, considered peaceful, was supportive of his heart condition. Another scene the girlfriend of Lewis lovingly smoothing a wooden element with the plane confronting us with our mortality.  Such is this film. 

Social media is another element of the film collage. There is Skype, Internet searches, text messaging, You Tube. All ways to communicate with others across the world. But do they help us to connect with others or only exchange messages?  I live in such a world myself. There is an element of loneliness in spite of those very advanced ways of making communication easy. We communicate and exchange ideas with people we do not know and never will meet. Does it matter? Perhaps not. My experience is that we may live and communicate face to face for many years with somebody never really knowing the person. We only know our internal image, we create a person the way we like it to be. So, what is the difference between anonymous and real? I perhaps went too far in my explorations, so I stop here.

The last scene of the film gives a clear answer to Maureen’s questions. The answer is given be a superpower, her brother, herself?

I need to see the film another time to discover elements I missed the first time. It will not be soon, maybe when I get myself a Netflix and a smart TV?  

WD40 for the soul

                                                          

Yes, I am harping on the comment which was most likely made with good intentions. Sorry about it, but it is too good to pass.  Apparently, my soul is in danger of corrosion as I look backward too much. I do not want this to happen, my soul to corrode, I mean, so I started to think about how I could protect myself from it. I started to look for WD40 to save my soul. Turning to google for suggestions it gave me some religious answers, but I do not think that the Anonymous leaving the comment, meant I should turn in this direction. I am myself not inclined to go there. So, I am a bit at a loss. Not looking backwards was given to me as a clue, another clue was The Intern, a film with De Niro.

Hmm…Looking backwards is something I do not want to stop as I am just writing a story of my first love and I am enjoying the process. I am also doing some self-analysis as I go and I, self-centred me, always liked the process. This time it is even quite enlightening, so I will not stop. At least not for a while. This does not stop me to look forward. I am prepared to pay more attention to the future especially that my trip to Poland is around the corner, if I am lucky that is. Polish and Irish have a lot in common, it seems, so maybe I will experience the luck of the Polish? I am planning to go! I want to go! There are also some things to look forward to like renovating the bathrooms. For that one needs to be a little masochistic so I hesitate, especially after my troublesome experience with the kitchen renovations.

Improving my bridge is another good, looking forward thing especially for a learner type of people I belong to. There is a possibility of some achievements there. This is another of my values I cannot shake off. Even if I try, it is still somewhere dormant in me, so I resign to be an aspiring bridge achiever.

For my soul to flourish I need love and friendship. This is a tricky area as it needs others to play fair with you. With life experience, I lost my rose colour glasses and see things more clearly or, should I say, less naively. But the disappointments do not hurt so much as they used to and my first more accurate impressions protect me a little better than they used to.  I have not given up on new friendships, but I do not expect that much depth or commitment as I did in the past. Even if it is not ideal, I still look forward to semi-friendships and I find them. So, what do you say, Anonymous, is there anything else I could do for my soul here?

Creativity is also good for the soul and I create a bit. I write my posts. I take out the love objects from my heart vitrine, I look and them, think about them, recall my memories and write about them. I knit a sweater for myself and intend to finish this tapestry I started some years ago. From time to time I create a special meal.

My idea of bliss - friends, conversation, little wine and good food

                                                

I pay a lot of attention to beauty, another healthy food for the soul, pure WD40. I go to exhibitions, art galleries whenever I can. I would do much more of it if I lived in Europe, but when I am there I will catch up, maybe skipping Vienna 😉. I flaneur as well. Maybe I should read poetry? Never liked it much, but I know this would be good for me. New gentle resolution?

Pleasure… I definitely have to have pleasure in my life. Here is one sore point for me and I am not sure how to solve it. Anonymous, could you help? I really like intellectual discussions and I have problems with finding partners who would be interested in the same things as me. I have been often accused of complicating things and this is exactly what I am missing, discussions with a person who would not mind some complications to talk or write about. I remember somebody saying “why would one like to simplify things when one can so beautifully complicate them”. Was it Hasek in The Good Soldier Svejk? Do you remember, Lech?

There are many little things that give me pleasure, little prosecco, a flower, cleaning up some mess in my home, giving to others, sharing meals with friends, reading, writing, listening to Polish radio and its political news. This is a doubtful pleasure, maybe just the opposite to a pleasure, but I seem to miss it a lot when I do not have internet. Let’s call it my favourite vice. My soul needs that.

I do not think, Anonymous, that you should worry about my soul any more. I refer to you few times here, but this is only an issue of form of this post. You may say, I used your comment to my purposes. Your comment triggered of some thoughts and it was a good opportunity for me to do a self-check. I am satisfied with the results.  So, thank you.

All quite openly, publicly and legally

I am trying hard not to stereotype people, events or countries. But I have emotions and for now it is difficult not to make some generalisations triggered off by this special, to me, book The Hare with Amber Eyes. The thoughts and emotions are about Austria and the Austrians. 

My knowledge about the country was never deep. Now, I discovered few more things, but I still know very little about it. For many years, it has been a country of Strauss and waltzes, Sacher torte, Saltzburger Nockerl, Mozart and Vienna the town from where my engagement and wedding rings came from. It was difficult not to be sentimental about the whole Austria and loved it.

                              

                       

I knew about Anschluss and I thought, poor Austrians, they suffered so. I thought that it was some common denominator between Poland and Austria. Not really. Hardy anybody in Poland welcomed Nazis.  Many Austrians, however, did welcome them with open arms and voluntarily enlisted in Hitler army and organisations.

Was Ted, one of my Austrian colleagues from IBM, one of them? I met this older, nervy person in my first days in Australia. His behaviour was strange, but for me at that time so many things were new and seemed strange. I noticed his shaking hands and shifty gaze. It took a while before he decided to unburden himself and confess that he was flying over Poland in bomber planes dropping those bombes that destroyed Polish towns and killed Polish people. He was conscripted by force, of course, but was force really applied? This I will never know, but now I ponder over Ted’s decision and motivations. It must have been rather difficult for him to meet a Pole so many years after the horrible events. He must have been a very young person, but my compassion for him diminished with my increasing knowledge of the times and Austrian eagerness to join their oppressors.

                                                              

                                  

There were many Jews in Austria, influential, wealthy people. People of the banks and lovers of fine arts. Their homes were full of museum pieces. They appreciated beauty of their possessions and they had means to acquire them. When in March 1938Anschluss of Austria happened, there were still many Jews in Europe. They were people who could not believe in reality of anti-Jewish proclamations of Hitler. Such is the power of hope that humanity will prevail. Most of the ones who could not believe that the world will change that much finished their life in concentration camps.

All Jewish possessions in Vienna had to be taken care of. Germans are a very methodical and practical people (forgive my generalisation). In my mind, this is actually a positive characteristic, but this time it was applied in a frightening way. In Vienna after the Anschluss both Germans and Austrians approached the issue of the valuable Jewish possessions openly, publicly and legally. The registers were created methodically dividing the items according to their fiscal and museum value into groups: Hitler’s personal, German Reich, Austria and the least valuable ones for sale at public auctions at Dorotheum. It was all legal, so if any of the original owners would survive a holocaust and saw his old possessions in a home of a respectable Austrian he would know that his host is a rightful owner of say, a portrait of the Jewish grandmother of the guest. So is the Austrian state the rightful owner of many Jewish treasures. Let’s take The Woman inGold. The film told us the story about a very determined lawyer and a woman with a lot of chutzpah to recover the family heirloom from the very reluctant Austrian State to return to the rightful owner what was really taken from them by force. How many such things Austria calls their own and proudly displays in Kunsthistorishes Museum, Leopold Museum, Albertina or Museum of Applied Arts and others?

Suddenly my desire to go to Vienna and visit its museums and art galleries diminished considerably. 

Moische, you get yourself a goat

In Poland, there many Jewish jokes. I have been always against them as I take it as a sign of anti-Semitism. And here I am going to write about a typical Jewish joke which so much applies to my life right now. It goes like this: 

Moische is very unhappy with his home situation. His place is crowded beyond his capability to cope with it. There is his wife there, his in-laws, his five children, the dog and two cats, ten chickens and a little pig in a very small place. Moische is so depressed and almost hysterical about it all that he needs some help. Only the Rabbi can help.  Off he goes to see the Rabbi and cries out:

Oh, Oh, Rabbi. I can not cope with my life anymore. Please help me. In my very small house there is my wife, my in-laws, my five children, the dog and two cats, ten chickens and a little pig. I cannot live like that anymore. The children cry, my in-laws shout at each other, my wife is always angry with me, the animals smell bad and make a mess. Please, please tell me what I should do or otherwise I will have to do myself in.

The Rabbi thought deeply for a while, scratched his head and after a while announced:

                                              

Moische, you get yourself a goat.

Moische was very surprised and could not understand how getting the situation worth could get his life better. However, in Jewish communities Rabbis enjoy great respect and their verdicts are applied without much questioning.

                                                    

So, Moische gets himself a goat and squeezes it into his very crowded house. The  goat is not happy about the situation either and it bleats loudly in complaint. It makes even bigger mess around herself than other animals in the house. Moische is on a brink of a nervous breakdown. He cannot sleep a wink the whole night and wakes up with his face swollen from crying. His frustrated wife beats him up for good morning to top up his misery.  Things cannot be any worse. He runs again to the Rabbi with his new complaint.

Oh, oh Rabbi. I have never been so unhappy in my life. Please help me. In my very small house there is my wife, my in-laws, my five children, the dog and two cats, ten chickens, a little pig and now the GOAT. I cannot live like that. The children cry, my in-laws shout at each other, my wife is always angry with me and today she beat me up, the animals smell bad and make a mess and the goat is the worse off all of them. Please, please tell me what I should do or I will kill myself.

Rabbi again thought for a moment and pronounced:

Moische, you get rid of the goat.

And Moische runs home, takes the goat by its horns and gives it to the neighbour.

Returning home, the house suddenly feels like an oasis of peace. Moische takes a big breath, he feels relieved and happy. Life is good. He is very grateful to the Rabbi for his insightful advice.

Coming back from the hospital to the same situation that I was moderately satisfied with before I had to call the ambulance, I suddenly feel light, optimistic and full of plans for the future. My life is good again now that I got rid of my goat.

Sometimes Jewish wisdom is better than my stoic reading.