Place where a lot has happened

Some time ago, I have been told that I concentrate too much on the past rather than living in the NOW. I got a bit defensive about it, but on reflection I think I may have misunderstood the message and intentions of the person who commented on my posts. This time I must admit that the past is flooding my thoughts and feelings.  It restricted my actions and it is time that I do something about it. The Tri-City of Gdansk, Sopot and Gdynia causes excessive reflections. So much has happened in this place not only for the Polish modern history but also for me personally. I decided that writing I about it may help to get it out and forget. Here it goes…

I have not considered Gdansk to be my home town until quite recently it has started to change. Before I left Poland for living in other countries, I considered myself to be a Warsaw girl. I lived in Warsaw for about 15 years and felt at home there. I only visited the area around Gdansk from time to time. Almost each visit, however, triggered off some important change in my life. I have not realised that until quite recently, but the pattern is very clear.

It was not far from Gdansk that I fell in love for the first time. They are nice and tender memories confused a bit by the fact that it was me who left the relationship and not for a good reason. I simply grew out of it. Maybe this is a good reason enough? The object of my reminiscing lives in Gdansk now. When I pass his place of business, and I do sometimes, I cannot stop the memories to come back.

Yesterday, I walked from Sopot along the beach towards Gdansk. And again, I passed the place where my life took one of those critical turns. There, I met my future husband during one summer holiday. It was also the time where I said good bye to my first love. It was confusing and created a sense of guilt in me. It was quite an appropriate feeling for I was still a catholic girl and a Polish one to it. Guilt is speciality of Poles and a Catholicism is based on it.  So, I felt bad, but my life at the same time moved in the new exciting direction and the bliss of the first grownup love followed.

There is another place in the Long Market in the Old Town of Gdansk, where I learnt computing languages and this made me a programmer and started my IT career lasting many, many years. It was the start to my successful professional life. It is difficult not to pass the place where I studied those languages when I stroll in the Old Town and then it is difficult not to think about the times passed. Actually, it was more that studying involved there. 

There are two facades but the buildings are internally joined 

                                               

The room now looks very much the same as I remember it

After some years, life took me away from Poland and Australia became my new home. But before I moved there, me and the new man in my life spent part of our honey moon in Sopot staying in the Grand Hotel. It was a grand place, as the name indicates, but it was a tired grandness, only a memory of grand times. The communistic rulers did not approve of excesses in comfort and elegance, so the place was badly kept. It still meant a lot to me to be there. We had a room with a view. It was not a grand room, definitely not a honey moon suit, but the windows opened towards the sea. I thought it was fantastic.  I remember opening the window and inhaling the smell, the smell of sea I always found wonderful.

During my years in Australia I have not though about Gdansk at all and very little really about Poland. Of course, I knew about Solidarity and Walesa. It was Gdansk again…

After years my life went through another turn and I found myself on holidays in Gdansk. A single person again. With the help of my dear friend I reacquainted my old admirer. We went through a period of mutual infatuation and since we both were single it seemed sensible to plan our autumn years together. That is how I came to live in Gdansk. We shared the memories of our young years, love for literature and inclination to philosophising. We both loved under-cooked vegetables which is rather uncommon in Poland. That seemed enough to enter another relationship.  It was not that idyllic as I had imagined, but there are beautiful memories that come to me very often when I am in Gdansk. There is a lot of melancholy around it as the man has passed away.

There are a lot of good, happy feelings as well as I love my life style when in Poland. I also find my Gdansk place very comfortable and beautiful. I hope I will be able to return here for many more years. If I would be asked now what my Polish home town is , I would definitely answer – GDANSK!

Corpus Christi

My religious catholic times are over. This came with the package of noticing discrepancies between what the church practices and preaches. In addition, I divorced my first husband and the relationship moved into a true  friendship phase. The church however does not forgive such mistakes and excommunicates poor souls who change their minds as far as marriage goes. So, I was excommunicated and my old religious practices had to be stopped.

Living in Sydney as a non-Catholic I am typically unaware of the church holidays, not so in Poland. Today is the Corpus Christi day and that involves processions around each town, and I believe, villages as well. In Gdansk in the several parts of the town there are local Corpus Christi processions organised by the church and its more enthusiastic believers. For many years, the street at which I live has been selected to be on the route of the local procession. Further, the fence of the house has been especially honoured by erection of one of the four procession altars that belong to the process. I am respectful of the proceedings even if it is not my fairy-tale any more.

Yesterday, I noticed a couple of ladies energetically cleaning up the pavement around the house. They paid particular attention to crevices between the small granite stones at the edge of the pavement. I did not connect immediately their activities with the forthcoming Corpus Christi, but eventually I clicked when they asked me to keep an eye on potential cars that might want to park next to the altar that was going to be erected the next day morning. I promised to keep a watch, hoping nobody will park as I would perhaps not have enough motivation to intervene. Thankfully, nobody did.

This is the view of one of the main processions in Gdansk. Much more grandiose than my local one.Maybe the next year I will make my way to the Old Town of Gdansk for the occasion?

                                   

This morning I was waiting for the procession to pass next to my windows and around 11:00 I heard religious singing heralding the event. First a group of regular believers appeared, followed by church officials dressed in white albs, then little girls with baskets full of flower petals to be spread in front of the main priest marching under a canopy carried by four men. At the end about two hundred believers walked with their heads down showing particular respect. I liked observing the event, but had to be very discreet about it not to offend the religious feelings of anyone or trigger off potential aggression of people who may have not liked to be observed during their religious rituals. While watching, I prayed a bit in my own non-Catholic way similar to meditation. I liked the peacefulness coming with the moment.

The priest read some scriptures, just few meters away from my window where I was hiding behind a net curtain, then he performed a very short part of a mass and few minutes later, the whole procession walked away singing again.

To me, the whole process belongs more to the XIXth century than to the modern world of the XXIst, but such is Poland. It lives in the past and the future at the same time. In most of the cases I like it. 

Starting my Polish Holiday

Changing realities is a bit disorientating. I have done it few times in the last two weeks. I may be using too grandiose term for my situation, but this is how it felt for a while. Leaving Sydney, I stepped into a “being in the air” bubble.  This is how I feel when I travel between Australia and Europe – I step into a different reality than my usual day to day life. This is my way to cope with a very long flight.

When I landed in Warsaw I entered another world. This was the world of my dear friends who took care of me in the first week in Poland. I was fed five times a day (much too much by my standards) and I enjoyed the indulgence forced upon me. I ate plenty of bread and potatoes, food that is very seldom on my menu in Sydney. This may not sound very special, but it was to me.  Sure, there were many other things to choose from, but they seemed less attractive than the forbidden fruits of fantastic Polish carbohydrates.

I was socialising 7X24 (or close to it) during the time in Warsaw. This was another substantial change to my usual life style. And again, I enjoyed the change very much even if at times it was a bit tiring (tiring to both sides, I imagine). This seemed to be another reality to me.

A week later I was on my way to Gdansk, yet another reality. I have been here for less than one week, but it feels “normal” already. Looks that I got accustomed to changing environments even if the beginning was quite disorientating.  So, I am back in my Gdansk place, the place I will call home for the next three months. I feel happy here and I intend to make the best of my stay here and promise myself to stay away from those tempting carbohydrates.

I love my life in Australia and my real home is there, and yet being in Poland touches some nostalgic strings and makes me feel that many of my important interests lie in Poland. This revolves mostly around cultural issues. I love atmosphere of old towns, their architecture including churches. For many people churches are boring, but not so for me. They typically contain architectural gems, paintings, sculptures, frescoes and such. It all adds up to this specific churchy atmosphere that I love.

I also notice a little different attitude to music, books, theatre and social life. Some of it I very much like the Polish way. I see more reverence for cultural life in Poland than I observe in Australia. It may be only superficial, but I like people dressing up for theatre, concerts or opera. I admit, there is some formality about it. This maybe unnecessary, but for me it is nice even if on two recent occasions, I was the one who was under-dressed.

During my two weeks in Poland I started strongly my cultural life and attended two events. One was the Closing of the Season Concert in the Warsaw Philharmonic and the second Nabuco by Verdi in the Gdansk Opera House.

The place seemed smaller than I remembered it

                         

When I entered the Warsaw Philharmonic the memories came back with the strength. I used to be a regular concert goer and this was the place I visited most often. Memories of my past concert companions brought some nice feelings and some sad ones. So many people disappeared from my life…

The view of Warsaw Philharmonic still moves me when I approach it

                                  

The first part of the concert was a little disappointing as the Cello Concerto of Elgar was played not as well as I had expected.  Gustav Mahler’s early cantata was a different story. It has been many years since I heard Warsaw Philharmonic Choir and I think we both, the choir and I, matured over the years. The choir even got a Grammy Award the last year. Looks that my maturing was of a different kind, as there are no awards in this discipline. It was a great concert finishing with a lot of clapping, flowers, speeches to farewell the retiring musicians and celebrating the famous choir. Great evening to file in my memory.

I did not intend to write reviews of concerts or operas, so I stop here. I only wanted to illustrate some aspects of my life during the Polish holiday.

This post is really to mark my returning to blogging, so soon I will write more. 

Little Pains of Attachment

As we go through life, we get attached to people, animals, places and things. Those are happy times when we have them in our lives. When we lose them, we experience sadness and the feeling of longing appears. I sometimes wonder if it is worth to allow myself attachments while I know that they are most of the times transient. The answer is hesitantly positive.

The thing is that attachments creep up on you, you really, do not make decisions in this matter. At least not from the start. But later on, an attachment can be reviewed and one can create an emotional distance to it or continue to build it up to its potential when you can be hurt by the disappearing link.

                                               

                                                 

In my life, I experienced many departures of people, I left behind many places I loved, many of my belongings are no longer mine, three of my best doggy friends passed on. This was associated with pain, at times even an excruciating pain.  Still, this means that I loved and it was worth the risk of future pain. What is happening now does not call for such a dramatic introduction, but I got surprised by the sadden feeling of emptiness and a  little sadness after my neighbours moved out and left for Melbourne. They were ideal neighbours, young, helpful, friendly and inspirational. Both of them interesting people in many ways. And there were also two cats Snow and Indy, they liked to visit my garden and I liked to watch them frolicking around. I knew that they were all going to move out one day and I did not think that there was anything sad about it.

Yesterday was their last day in the place and when I was coming home from my bridge session, the orange car belonging to them was no longer in front of the house. The sadness and sense of loss hit me unexpectedly.  This was not a pleasant feeling and I did not want to experience it at all. So I went on with my normal occupations, but some negative feeling lingered through the evening. This morning working on my computer at the desk overlooking the garden, I subconsciously expected to see Indy or Snow climbing the fences around the garden. And I realised that they are not in their old home anymore and they will not pay me a visit. Sadness again. Even now when the branches of the trees around move and the lighting changes I automatically lift up my gaze expecting to see a cat or two.

Another departure I will live with retaining nice memories and planning a visit in Melbourne where I will have two lots of friends from now on. The sadness will pass, especially that I will be leaving myself for Poland in few days. 

Denial

I am still in Sydney organising things I need to organise before my holiday, hence not much time for writing or thinking about what to write about. Even the story about my first boyfriend has been put on ice. It has been quite nice to go back in my thoughts to the old very happy and carefree times.  In the process of writing, I have learnt a lot about myself. It is also very pleasant to recollect the times, so I intend to continue the writing only a little later.

Today is Saturday and I thought I will take a break from the preparation to the trip. I went to see a movie, I rather did not plan to see, but it has been enthusiastically mentioned by one of my bridge friends, so changed my plans and went to see Denial.

My earlier reservations were about the subject of the film. I have seen so many films about Holocaust with Auschwitz as a place of action that I thought I will give myself a break. I still remember the primary school excursion to the concentration camp. I was so shocked by the exhibits that I will not be able to go there again. The pictures are still vivid in my memory. I shudder when I think that the place I stay at when in Gdansk, was during the war occupied by professor Spanner who developed the method of producing soap. I cannot bring myself to be specific about it.

Anyhow, I went to see the film and I do not regret it. Obviously, I do not feel uplifted this afternoon, but it is a good film. The story is very interesting and it did happen in real life. It is sad that life writes such good, but unpleasant scenarios. What is even sadder is that it is relevant to this day. The story is about the legal battle for historical truth requiring a proof that the Holocaust really happened. David Irving accused Deborah Lipstadt of libel when she called him denier of historical truth. It is relevant as in many countries neo-Nazis movements are more and more prevalent and often considered a sign of patriotism. For such movements, the truth of Holocaust is uncomfortable and there is temptation to deny that it did happen.

                                    

The film’s title Denial, has double meaning. The obvious one describes the subject of the film and the second one relates to needed self-denial of Deborah Lipstadt and survivors of Auschwitz. The accused, an acclaimed historian and a writer, assumes that she will be able to defend herself taking a stand during the trial. She also expects that she will be able to call on one of the survivors of the Holocaust. The team of lawyers, however, has different plans and their approach does not include any active involvement in the trial of the accused. This causes strong controversy between the client and the team of lawyers. The lawyers demand from Deborah self-denial of satisfaction voicing her strong opinions. It has been some time ago when I understood that often our ego makes us want to do or say things which really harm us. At work, I was often confronted with the situation when people wanted to argue their point even if this was detrimental to a desired outcome. I was saying then: “Do you want to be right or do you want to solve the problem?”. Clever question and I need to confess that I borrowed it from someone. I like the question, it hit me with its obvious truth and power. It is so useful to remember it at times when we want to fight rather than go in the direction of the desired outcome. Like in this film. 

There were two awarded roles in the film. One of Rachel Weisz playing Rachel Lipstadt (Academy Award) and the Cannes Award for Timothy Spall playing David Irving. My favourite, however, was Tom Wilkinson who played Richard Rampton QC defending Rachel Lipstadt. I noticed Tom Wilkinson the first time in his role in Michael Clayton and only then I started to pay attention to this very good and likeable actor.

My rating of the film is 8 out of 10.

Out of comfort zone

Some time ago I saw The Clouds of Sils Maria and the film made a big impression on me. I liked Kristen Stewart, her very contemporary looks with sadness and mystique mixed in. Now, comes another film with the same actress and the reviews say that this is her best role to date. Mind you, she is only 27, so there will be more films with the label “Kristen Stewart the best ever!!”. At least I think she has got it in her. I will also follow the film director of both of the films Olivier Assayas.

                                 

Before I found out what the film is all about I decided to see not so much the film as Kristen Stewart. It was in the post hospital time and I postponed the movie going for a short while. During this time, the film lost its popularity and was screened only very late finishing after 11:00 pm.  Actually, the film was not popular at all, maybe because it was advertised as a horror film, even if it should have been more accurately described as a thriller. Neither of the descriptions enthused me to see it, but I wanted to see the young actress in her best role. While I hesitated if I should go to a horror movie so late in the day, the film stopped to be screened in my local cinema. I was determined, though, and made a brave decision to step out of my comfort zone and see the film no matter what. Of course, I am mocking myself and my set ways. As the result, I had a fun day. I travelled to Paddington to see the film, then walked to Woollahra for lunch at my favourite Polish restaurant. I did the fair bit of walking making my new smart pedometer happy. It actually complemented me on my walking achievements. My good Fitbit Alta. I think we may become friends as it talks to me nicely inviting for a stroll.

I was a bit apprehensive when the film started. The first scenes were meant to scare the viewer. Maureen, who is a personal shopper and a spiritist medium, goes to the house of her dead twin brother,Lewis, to make contact with him. One makes contacts with people on the other side in darkness, of course. I started to breathe deeply to settle my nerves, it was really scary, but everything about the scary scenes was very stylish. The whole film was stylish and I loved this aspect of it.

There are few streams in the film cleverly linked to form something like a beautiful psychological collage. The major stream is Maureen trying to get in contact with her dead brother. Then there is the personal shopper stream with Maureen buying the top fashion items for her client, the famous fashionista Kyra. Those scenes may be more for women interested in high fashion. However, I think that they may be universally appreciated for their mood and aesthetic appeal. Another stream, the trip from Paris to London on a Euro Star train builds incredible atmosphere of fear. Smart phone texting is the tool used to scare us. It does, and how! The clicking of writing the messages is better than any other soundtrack. The double question marks also work well in building the suspense. Maureen exchanges messages with an anonymous. Is it her brother, somebody meaning harm, or her other self?

Motorbike rides through Paris are great and Kristen Stewart looks fantastic in the helmet, moving through crowded streets with high speed and confidence. Energising scenes, one moves more energetically and elegantly remembering those pictures and the soundtrack.

                                      

I love the finesse of the film and the subtle links between the film elements. Like the background song by Marlene Dietrich – The Carpenter Song, DasHobellied. The song is about a carpenter whose plane is like destiny levelling all lives with the same indifference not considering importance and status. At some stage of the film we find out that Lewis, Maureen brother was a carpenter and that this profession, considered peaceful, was supportive of his heart condition. Another scene the girlfriend of Lewis lovingly smoothing a wooden element with the plane confronting us with our mortality.  Such is this film. 

Social media is another element of the film collage. There is Skype, Internet searches, text messaging, You Tube. All ways to communicate with others across the world. But do they help us to connect with others or only exchange messages?  I live in such a world myself. There is an element of loneliness in spite of those very advanced ways of making communication easy. We communicate and exchange ideas with people we do not know and never will meet. Does it matter? Perhaps not. My experience is that we may live and communicate face to face for many years with somebody never really knowing the person. We only know our internal image, we create a person the way we like it to be. So, what is the difference between anonymous and real? I perhaps went too far in my explorations, so I stop here.

The last scene of the film gives a clear answer to Maureen’s questions. The answer is given be a superpower, her brother, herself?

I need to see the film another time to discover elements I missed the first time. It will not be soon, maybe when I get myself a Netflix and a smart TV?  

WD40 for the soul

                                                          

Yes, I am harping on the comment which was most likely made with good intentions. Sorry about it, but it is too good to pass.  Apparently, my soul is in danger of corrosion as I look backward too much. I do not want this to happen, my soul to corrode, I mean, so I started to think about how I could protect myself from it. I started to look for WD40 to save my soul. Turning to google for suggestions it gave me some religious answers, but I do not think that the Anonymous leaving the comment, meant I should turn in this direction. I am myself not inclined to go there. So, I am a bit at a loss. Not looking backwards was given to me as a clue, another clue was The Intern, a film with De Niro.

Hmm…Looking backwards is something I do not want to stop as I am just writing a story of my first love and I am enjoying the process. I am also doing some self-analysis as I go and I, self-centred me, always liked the process. This time it is even quite enlightening, so I will not stop. At least not for a while. This does not stop me to look forward. I am prepared to pay more attention to the future especially that my trip to Poland is around the corner, if I am lucky that is. Polish and Irish have a lot in common, it seems, so maybe I will experience the luck of the Polish? I am planning to go! I want to go! There are also some things to look forward to like renovating the bathrooms. For that one needs to be a little masochistic so I hesitate, especially after my troublesome experience with the kitchen renovations.

Improving my bridge is another good, looking forward thing especially for a learner type of people I belong to. There is a possibility of some achievements there. This is another of my values I cannot shake off. Even if I try, it is still somewhere dormant in me, so I resign to be an aspiring bridge achiever.

For my soul to flourish I need love and friendship. This is a tricky area as it needs others to play fair with you. With life experience, I lost my rose colour glasses and see things more clearly or, should I say, less naively. But the disappointments do not hurt so much as they used to and my first more accurate impressions protect me a little better than they used to.  I have not given up on new friendships, but I do not expect that much depth or commitment as I did in the past. Even if it is not ideal, I still look forward to semi-friendships and I find them. So, what do you say, Anonymous, is there anything else I could do for my soul here?

Creativity is also good for the soul and I create a bit. I write my posts. I take out the love objects from my heart vitrine, I look and them, think about them, recall my memories and write about them. I knit a sweater for myself and intend to finish this tapestry I started some years ago. From time to time I create a special meal.

My idea of bliss - friends, conversation, little wine and good food

                                                

I pay a lot of attention to beauty, another healthy food for the soul, pure WD40. I go to exhibitions, art galleries whenever I can. I would do much more of it if I lived in Europe, but when I am there I will catch up, maybe skipping Vienna 😉. I flaneur as well. Maybe I should read poetry? Never liked it much, but I know this would be good for me. New gentle resolution?

Pleasure… I definitely have to have pleasure in my life. Here is one sore point for me and I am not sure how to solve it. Anonymous, could you help? I really like intellectual discussions and I have problems with finding partners who would be interested in the same things as me. I have been often accused of complicating things and this is exactly what I am missing, discussions with a person who would not mind some complications to talk or write about. I remember somebody saying “why would one like to simplify things when one can so beautifully complicate them”. Was it Hasek in The Good Soldier Svejk? Do you remember, Lech?

There are many little things that give me pleasure, little prosecco, a flower, cleaning up some mess in my home, giving to others, sharing meals with friends, reading, writing, listening to Polish radio and its political news. This is a doubtful pleasure, maybe just the opposite to a pleasure, but I seem to miss it a lot when I do not have internet. Let’s call it my favourite vice. My soul needs that.

I do not think, Anonymous, that you should worry about my soul any more. I refer to you few times here, but this is only an issue of form of this post. You may say, I used your comment to my purposes. Your comment triggered of some thoughts and it was a good opportunity for me to do a self-check. I am satisfied with the results.  So, thank you.